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Wandering Idiot
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Surely something dumber has come up since my apparent forgetfulness for STDs and doctor visits.

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(Originally posted on: 01-13-07 06:25:44 AM)
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Title just about says it all. Work has been keeping me busy, and today just had to be a shitty day. An unexpected visitor showed up and wasted some of my time, causing me to be late to picking up my check and getting it in the bank on time (hello two pending transactions that will bounce). Then after fighting Nashville traffic, almost getting in two wrecks, and going in to work 2 hours early. To top it off, 8 hours weren't on my paycheck and I was fucking pissed. This all adds up to being broke until monday and having to pay for gas in quarters tomorrow to get home from work. Yeah, I'm that fucking pissed.

Around 8pm, Diamond (alter-ego of another employee whose real name I don't think I know) clocked out as I was doing a count, we were $180 over on the register after her cash drop, and clueless as to where it came from. A nice change of pace was to finally see the biggest toy we have in the story, an 18 inch tall 5+ inch girth purple dildo, was sold to some hispanic guy. Don't ask, I don't know because I didn't rewind the video footage far enough to find out. So the day is getting better and I'm starting to lighten up.

Then it happened, it got busy. I was the only one on shift at the time (and rest of the night). Around 9:25 a tall black guy asked me to unlock the bathroom, so I did, telling him to lock the door and shut it on his way out. About 90 seconds later he's out and there's a guy trying to go in, but it's locked, so he comes to the counter. The immediate idea I had of this guy was sketchy. I couldn't help but feel something was up, and he was pretty drunk. I walk back and ask him for any merchandise, which he refuses to possess, and he goes into the bathroom. Three minutes later, I heard a fourth, fifth, and sixth flush, then the faucet kicked on, off, and the toilet flushed again.

I walked over to the general area, which happens to be the novelty and penis pump section, and pretend to be arranging items, when he emerges and heads straight for the exit. As he hit the door I hit the bathroom, and right smack half down the shitter is a plastic wrapper. Cane and all I fly out the front door so fast that I knock the guys' bike over as he's trying to walk away, and he drops five DVD cases (straight porn with slight pantyhose fetish). I stop, tell him to come the fuck inside.

omg yah rite fag lol = Me
lol am i rite??? all ur base r belong 2 us = Thief

omg yah rite fag lol Get the fuck inside, stop, don't fucking touch the merchandise. (This is when I stuck my cane through his bikes' front wheel, there was a small confrontation)
lol am i rite??? all ur base r belong 2 us Here, I'm giving them back, I don't want trouble, here, take them. (as he hands me the five cases, but he has several more in a bag with other shit, then starts walking away)
omg yah rite fag lol GET THE FUCK INSIDE NOW. STOP WALKING AWAY, I'M ALREADY CALLING THE COPS. (Which I was, I know their number by heart nowadays)
lol am i rite??? all ur base r belong 2 us Leave me alone, I didn't do nothing wrong. {he's about 50 feet away by now)

omg yah rite fag lol (long police conversation on phone, giving them exact descriptions and approximate ages, yada yada) COCKSUCKER!

I had to go back inside to keep check on other customers, but I had evidence he committed theft. I called my manager as soon as I got off the phone with the police. Not two minutes later the first squad car shows up, I gave a description, we talked it over, what he had taken out of the store and how it was so shittily done (the guy we haven't caught found the breaker box and killed the security system, so that's locked now). He literally got about 15-20 DVDs while I was busy helping customers and being extremely distracted.

My manager took forever to get there, but after 15 minutes the cops gave me some good news, they found a matching suspect half a mile up the road, better yet, he was bleeding. So, a quick inspection of my bathroom revealed that someone had lost a good amount of blood in the bathroom, like a quarter pint. They found one DVD on the guy, so they dragged him down to the store after merely corraling him into the car, uncuffed. After a few minutes I went out and verified that he was indeed the culprit, signed some paperwork, then my manager finally shows up and finds the video footage, but the cops are all cool, we get the DVD he had on him back and store it with the plastic wrappings and detector tags for our court date, well, my court date. I have to go deal with a judge and give my side of the story, take in my proof for backup, and push full extent.

He'll wind up with public intox and misdemeanor theft, and a few other things the cops will manage to pin on him. Truth is though, this guy will serve a few days max, then do community service and do probation for a long period of time. He is now banned from the property, including the sidewalk/driveway area. If we even see him on the property we can have him arrested for criminal trespassing. I got a serious compliment out of my boss, being that I caught the first, and it turns out he's a repeat thief, but we couldn't prove it before. The district manager is extremely pleased with my performance, and hasn't even seen the video footage (which he can watch at any time from his house). This was the best of of the worst things that happened today.

I'll update this when I'm served my subpeona, but I'll answer questions about the porn store if anyone is curious.

camel sex
"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza."
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Mr Excitable
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Reply 1 of 26 (Originally posted on: 01-13-07 08:30:28 AM)
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why the hell was he bleeding?
drahnier
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Reply 2 of 26 (Originally posted on: 01-13-07 09:26:22 AM)
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He tested the monster dildo in there.
DRAHNIER
Ztolk
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Rawr.

definitely threw the blue lego

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Reply 3 of 26 (Originally posted on: 01-13-07 09:44:31 AM)
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Great story.

Last time I was in a porn store I was with a bunch of female friends and one of them was chatting up the proprieter about what kind of dildo to add to her massive collection. She was madly in love with the guy apparently. We were going out for a drink after and she wouldn't shut up about how she wanted to go back to the store and ask him to come out. He was like 40, we were like 19.

Apparantly the vibrator she bought broke on the first night she used it.
"I used the internet to get laid once. That is not a shining moment of pride for me. The worst thing? She evidently gave me chlamydia, which I evidently got cleared up."
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etymxris
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JUST AS PLANNED

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Reply 4 of 26 (Originally posted on: 01-13-07 03:13:14 PM)
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Quoted from Mr Excitable:
why the hell was he bleeding?

Maybe from ripping up the plastic packaging by hand. That stuff can be sharp.
Snowy
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Reply 5 of 26 (Originally posted on: 01-13-07 03:41:23 PM)
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that is pathetic..we all steal copywrite material constantly...you're ruining a guy's already pathetic life over some porn! you sound so self-righteous too, like it's your store. eesh.

Useless little atoms are burning all the bridges
Wandering Idiot
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Surely something dumber has come up since my apparent forgetfulness for STDs and doctor visits.

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Reply 6 of 26 (Originally posted on: 01-13-07 06:05:29 PM)
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Quoted from Snowqueene:
that is pathetic..we all steal copywrite material constantly...you're ruining a guy's already pathetic life over some porn! you sound so self-righteous too, like it's your store. eesh.


One thing the military taught me was job retention. I love my work, it's a lot of fun. When someone steals from the store, I take it personally. There are only six of us that work at the store, we all know each other extremely well already, and besides, downloading or copying DVDs is different than willingly bypassing the security system and walking out the door with a couple handfuls of merchandise stuffed in a big coat. Copyright infringement and petty theft are two completely different monsters.

Quoted from Mr Excitable:
why the hell was he bleeding?


Ah, fuck, I knew I was forgetting something. He cut himself while using a knife to open the plastic wrappers. I had no idea that he had a knife when I was confronting him, but if he pulled it I'd have just whacked him with my cane (more reach). That and I have a huge wooden stake inside behind the counter that works good as a bat.

Quoted from Ztolk:
Great story.

Last time I was in a porn store I was with a bunch of female friends and one of them was chatting up the proprieter about what kind of dildo to add to her massive collection. She was madly in love with the guy apparently. We were going out for a drink after and she wouldn't shut up about how she wanted to go back to the store and ask him to come out. He was like 40, we were like 19.

Apparantly the vibrator she bought broke on the first night she used it.


Thankfully I don't get hit on too much. It still happens, but I've got a few stories I tell when people start hitting on me. We keep a fake wedding ring in the drawer at work to back up stories. One of the guys that works there has been groped a few times by gay guys, one of which he layed flat (security footage was fucking hilarious).

Oh, and if you guys think the life of sex toys can be long and enjoyable, you're wrong. Vibrators, eggs/bullets, and pretty much anything that takes a battery, will break in a short period of time. We have a 10 day exchange policy, but most people are too afraid to bring them back and replace them. I try to sell the cheapest vibrators we have because they really don't last that long, and that includes name brand items like Hustler.

Quoted from anaemic_royalty:
He tested the monster dildo in there.


Great American Challenge

I was a bit off on the size. 10.5 insertable with 3 inch width. Width does not equal girth, however.
"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza."
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drahnier
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Reply 7 of 26 (Originally posted on: 01-13-07 06:26:36 PM)
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It weighs over 2 kilos.
That is fucking sick, it should be illegal.

Using it probably feels like giving birth.

Edit: Great name though.
We should start an INTL contest in which whoever is the first to insert that entire dildo into any orifice and post photo evidence wins a cash prize from the rest of us.
DRAHNIER
This reply was last edited on 01-13-07 06:38:32 PM by drahnier.
Wandering Idiot
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Surely something dumber has come up since my apparent forgetfulness for STDs and doctor visits.

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Reply 8 of 26 (Originally posted on: 01-13-07 06:51:06 PM)
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Quoted from anaemic_royalty:
It weighs over 2 kilos.
That is fucking sick, it should be illegal.

Using it probably feels like giving birth.

Edit: Great name though.
We should start an INTL contest in which whoever is the first to insert that entire dildo into any orifice and post photo evidence wins a cash prize from the rest of us.


To think it was a small mexican guy that bought it too. But seriously, no average person could take that. We have a video at work called "The Amazing Ty" where she takes on the biggest of dildos. Her series is on #67, I think. There's also Digital Sins' I Love Big Toys #4 and #5, one of which is on a poster on my wall.

If my computer could handle ripping and converting I'd bring one home. Before Snowy starts bitching, company policy is that employees can borrow DVDs for up to three days, as long as they are checked out by a manager and come back in the same condition they left. Now if I actually was copying and uploading, then there'd be grounds for moral vindication, but I don't and there isn't. Something tells me she's just jealous of my 40% discount.
"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza."
-Dave Barry
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Reply 9 of 26 (Originally posted on: 01-13-07 06:53:12 PM)
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Quote:
Diamond (alter-ego of another employee whose real name I don't think I know)


Quote:
There are only six of us that work at the store, we all know each other extremely well already


i wunder if itz gay to kiss dudez
Tough, Unique, Bad, Bodacious, and Sassy.
Wandering Idiot
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Surely something dumber has come up since my apparent forgetfulness for STDs and doctor visits.

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Reply 10 of 26 (Originally posted on: 01-13-07 07:03:17 PM)
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Quoted from Surt:
Quote:
Diamond (alter-ego of another employee whose real name I don't think I know)


Quote:
There are only six of us that work at the store, we all know each other extremely well already


i wunder if itz gay to kiss dudez


Yeah, forgot about Diamond. Everyone but me knows her well. I worked for the first time with her last night, she's only been there about 6 days. That was a complete slip of thought on my behalf, because I spent a whole two hours with her in comparison to 30+ with everyone else.

Now that I'm not stoned, I think I remember her real name, but I'll find out again tonight in about 2 hours.
"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza."
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Reply 11 of 26 (Originally posted on: 01-14-07 01:29:07 AM)
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Quoted from Wandering Idiot:
Width does not equal girth, however.


No but girth equals about 9.4 inches. Damn that is big...
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Reply 12 of 26 (Originally posted on: 01-15-07 05:36:56 PM)
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Quoted from Snowqueene:
you're ruining a guy's already pathetic life over some porn!
Has the thought ever crossed your mind that people actually ruin their own lives through their own actions, rather than the counteractions of others?
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Reply 13 of 26 (Originally posted on: 01-15-07 07:47:28 PM)
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Quote:
Copyright infringement and petty theft are two completely different monsters.



...because stealing from a store's on-line catalogue is very different from stealing from a store's..store.learn u some stuff ok??
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Reply 14 of 26 (Originally posted on: 01-15-07 07:51:24 PM)
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Actually, it is kind of different... But that's irrelevant, since workers are supposed to steal stuff anyway. I don't want to debate this. No. Believe it or not, but don't debate it.
đonne onwŠcne­ eft wineleas guma, gesih­ him biforan fealwe wegas, ba■ian brimfuglas, brŠdan fe■ra, hreosan hrim ond snaw hagle gemenged. Ůonne beo­ ■y hefigran heortan benne, sare Šfter swŠsne. Sorg bi­ geniwad ■onne maga gemynd mod geondhweorfe­, grete­ gliwstafum, georne geondsceawa­ secga geseldan; swimma­ oft on weg. Fleotendra fer­ no ■Šr fela bringe­ cu­ra cwidegiedda.
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Reply 15 of 26 (Originally posted on: 01-15-07 11:07:49 PM)
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Quoted from Sandamnit:
Quoted from Snowqueene:
you're ruining a guy's already pathetic life over some porn!
Has the thought ever crossed your mind that people actually ruin their own lives through their own actions, rather than the counteractions of others?

An atom walks into a bar looking very depressed.
Bartender: What's wrong?
Atom: I've just lost an electron.
Bartender: Are you sure?
Atom: Yeah, I'm positive.
Snowy
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i always try to make a statement with my fashion...thats why today i wore a crop top with a pic of richard nixon captioned: growl at sweat

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Reply 16 of 26 (Originally posted on: 01-15-07 11:30:05 PM)
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Quoted from mmac:
Quoted from Sandamnit:
Quoted from Snowqueene:
you're ruining a guy's already pathetic life over some porn!
Has the thought ever crossed your mind that people actually ruin their own lives through their own actions, rather than the counteractions of others?



Oh yay preachy ex-soldiers, I LOVE 'EM.

Useless little atoms are burning all the bridges
Ztolk
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definitely threw the blue lego

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Reply 17 of 26 (Originally posted on: 01-15-07 11:41:00 PM)
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lol ad hominem
"I used the internet to get laid once. That is not a shining moment of pride for me. The worst thing? She evidently gave me chlamydia, which I evidently got cleared up."
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Mr Excitable
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Reply 18 of 26 (Originally posted on: 01-15-07 11:45:15 PM)
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The guy is stealing porn...he deserves to get caught. Fuck if you are going to shoplift it better be for something good and expensive. Not something that you and a hi-fi connection can fix.
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Reply 19 of 26 (Originally posted on: 01-16-07 04:55:26 AM)
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Quoted from Snowqueene:
Quoted from mmac:
Quoted from Sandamnit:
Quoted from Snowqueene:
you're ruining a guy's already pathetic life over some porn!
Has the thought ever crossed your mind that people actually ruin their own lives through their own actions, rather than the counteractions of others?



Oh yay preachy ex-soldiers, I LOVE 'EM.
So how old were you when you got caught shoplifting?
Snowy
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i always try to make a statement with my fashion...thats why today i wore a crop top with a pic of richard nixon captioned: growl at sweat

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Reply 20 of 26 (Originally posted on: 01-16-07 05:05:45 AM)
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I aint never stole nuffink, guvna!

Useless little atoms are burning all the bridges
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Reply 21 of 26 (Originally posted on: 01-16-07 09:05:11 AM)
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I once stole a cadillac, but I traded it for a packet of gum, because I can't drive anyway
Wireless Muppet, of Strings and Ribbonwax
Wandering Idiot
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Surely something dumber has come up since my apparent forgetfulness for STDs and doctor visits.

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Reply 22 of 26 (Originally posted on: 01-16-07 11:29:12 AM)
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Quoted from Snowqueene:


Oh yay preachy ex-soldiers, I LOVE 'EM.


Yeah, because the military doesn't preach integrity every five minutes.

Seriously though, the guy physically stole DVDs, not download it. He walked out the door with store property and purposefully got around the security system. Now if he just stayed the fuck home and downloaded porn, fine, but it's a bit on the impossible side to steal physical objects through the internet. It was his choice, and if he wasn't stupid enough to try and flush plastic and sensor tags down the shitter, let alone steal in the first place, then he wouldn't have sat in jail all weekend. If he would have just downloaded porn like the rest of the world, no one would have ever been the wiser.

Intellectual property does not equal physical property.
"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza."
-Dave Barry
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Reply 23 of 26 (Originally posted on: 01-16-07 06:07:26 PM)
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So I was gonna steal some MP3s of Justin Timberlake rapping about his sexy, but my karma ran over my dogma...
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Reply 24 of 26 (Originally posted on: 01-16-07 07:55:29 PM)
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Porn should be free, but never stolen. Stolen porn may be less than quality. I mean, who wants to see some 80 year old man fucking some 19 year old kid?

Quoted from Visarrio:
So I was gonna steal some MP3s of Justin Timberlake rapping about his sexy, but my karma ran over my dogma...


Justin Timberlake does NOT constitute intellectual property. Have you learned nothing from 2004? While it was fun to see Janet's titty, Justin's calling it a wardrobe malfunction was just stupid. Oh wait, that's a link to wiki...
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