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Wandering Idiot
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Surely something dumber has come up since my apparent forgetfulness for STDs and doctor visits.

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(Originally posted on: 12-08-06 07:05:28 PM)
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Now that I have burned horrible images in the minds of those who've met me, let me rephrase that. I'm about to start working in the wonderful world of retail porn and adult toy sales.

In my recent neverending search for the right job, mostly focused on pay, I stumbled across an advertisement for a porn shop that just happened to be hiring. Not just any porn shop though, oh no, that wouldn't be coincidental enough. This goes back a ways, farther back than anyone on this forum has known me and my ways. This, my friends, goes back to my childhood.

Yeah, that sounds really horrible, but I'm not going to change it. Basically, it's a coincidence that there was a shop that is similarly named to Tigers' Basement, in a 400 person town where I went to uptight private Lutheran school, and now I'll be working for the same company in one of their 40 odd stores. You see, in rural parts of the country, when porn shops start popping up, uptight religious types come out in droves to try to get the place shut down. When I was 8, the gas station by the interstate became the Lions Den, and from then on, those words have always defined pornography for me, and oddly enough, several small country counties in central Illinois.

The store I'll be working at is a plain shop, freshly remodeled. No theaters, booths, or even public bathrooms in the joint, so there's no spot mopping after a customer leaves. They sell the porn shop standards, which includes the famed double headed kong dong, to the ever controversial, preggo porn. Surprisingly, the place is extremely clean, and in a decent area. It's never a guarantee that we won't get robbed, but that's a hazard anywhere.

My boss is really cool, rather relaxed. I haven't met any other employees yet besides the district manager, as it was just the two of those guys working there today. Even the customers were rather talkative while I was there, keeping the DM busy talking about dildos, g-spot vibrators, and glass dongs called Don Wands, for about 45 minutes.

Surprisingly enough, there really isn't a large selection of the weird porn. Not surprising is the fact that the pay sucks, well, mostly. There's balanced comission, but it won't put me at $12/hour, so I'll be working a lot of overtime. I'm thinking that if I get the hours, I could work solely selling smut, with no other job needed. Yeah, it's not going to take me anywhere, I know, but I think I'm going to have fun with this job.

I'm not starting until next week, probably tuesday or wednsday. If the first day is going to be anything like I saw today, and the other employees are as laid back as the boss, the job will have no sexual frustration because everyones' weird fantasies are likely to be topics of daily discussion. I'm also waiting for the first strange customer to come in and try to steal a dildo, just so, well, fuck it, let's face it, I'm taking this job because I want to add a fuck ton of humor to my life, and just enjoy the misery of retail hell by selling gigantic anal beads to the snooty 22 year old trophy wife of some executive, or little old ladies.

I am officially making my declaration that 2007 is either going to best the best year of my life, or the worst with the best stories.

I can't wait to go to work baked.
"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza."
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etymxris
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Reply 1 of 30 (Originally posted on: 12-08-06 07:21:24 PM)
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I dunno, working in porn seems that it would have it's disadvantages. All types of nasty hags coming in getting vibrators, for example. More importantly, it's problematic to put "porno shop" on your resume. Also, doesn't look like the pay is that great.
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Reply 2 of 30 (Originally posted on: 12-08-06 07:26:29 PM)
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Quoted from etymxris:
All types of nasty hags coming in getting vibrators, for example.
I see that as an advantage. Yeah, not necessarily at the moment, but later that night when you're out with your friends and you open your story with, "so this old hag comes into the store today to buy a vibrator..."
Wandering Idiot
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Surely something dumber has come up since my apparent forgetfulness for STDs and doctor visits.

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Reply 3 of 30 (Originally posted on: 12-08-06 07:30:03 PM)
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Yeah, the negatives. Meh, that's why it was originally intended as a second job for kicks and spare cash. I'm still actively pursuing mechanic jobs, and may have one of those as well, but the drug test for that job is in serious question to me at the moment. Besides, it's not permanent, and as for putting it down on an application as previous employment doesn't bother me a bit. I have a small ability to out-talk the interviewer and tell them what they want to hear, it's just the jobs haven't been right for me until now.

Also, it's not the old hags that bother me, it's the guys coming in and buying lingerie. But if it wasn't for people like that, the odds of good quality entertainment drops dramatically.
"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza."
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IF0
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Hey, I was with Mary Magdalene last night....smell my finger lol

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Reply 4 of 30 (Originally posted on: 12-08-06 07:44:06 PM)
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Quoted from etymxris:
I dunno, working in porn seems that it would have it's disadvantages. All types of nasty hags coming in getting vibrators, for example. More importantly, it's problematic to put "porno shop" on your resume. Also, doesn't look like the pay is that great.

I'd worry more about people asking for instructions or trying to return things.
Adopt a leggo my eggo ifo.
Wandering Idiot
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Surely something dumber has come up since my apparent forgetfulness for STDs and doctor visits.

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Reply 5 of 30 (Originally posted on: 12-08-06 07:55:24 PM)
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No refunds on opened products. Even if it's still packaged, I'm going to treat it like germ warfare.
"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza."
-Dave Barry
etymxris
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Reply 6 of 30 (Originally posted on: 12-08-06 07:55:29 PM)
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Quoted from IF0:
I'd worry more about people asking for instructions or trying to return things.

Most stores have a "no returns on sex toys" for obvious reasons.
[edit: beaten by 5 seconds]
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Reply 7 of 30 (Originally posted on: 12-08-06 09:38:07 PM)
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I've always wanted to work in an adult bookstore, but I was never ballsy enough to do it so I hope you don't mind if I live this experience vicariously through you.

Now that I think about it, it probably wouldn't have worked out because guys have a hard enough time asking me about their Viagra, Cialis, and Levitra.

you're welcome for the google hits
animatedcardigan: your nose is sexy
animatedcardigan: i just want sex
<Snook> penis makes me hungrier than you could ever know LOL IM SUCH A FAG!![/w]

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Wandering Idiot
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Surely something dumber has come up since my apparent forgetfulness for STDs and doctor visits.

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Reply 8 of 30 (Originally posted on: 12-09-06 12:28:03 AM)
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It's nowhere near as awkward as you would think it is, zippo. Then again, maybe my life experiences have desensitized me enough to the point where I find this very entertaining.

Oddly enough, my boss told me that about 70% of the applicants have been women (ok, there was probably a tranny in that mix, but whatever). He said he was kind of relieved that he was hiring an even staff male/female ratio. While I was there, some random guy came in for an application, was being very forward about wanting the position, but was even farther off the "horribly dressed" range than I was. His attitude was rather snide, as well. That guy was told to check back later for an application when they had some printed out (I took the last one). Think white guy in his early thirties still acting like a teenager, shaved head, talking in ebonics, and just generally being a jackass, and that's him to a T.

Just broke the news to my mother, and she took it surprisingly well. Obviously she doesn't want me to work there for too long. If I find myself still working there by January 2008, I'll just quit and take a position somewhere else in the country. California sounds kinda nice.
"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza."
-Dave Barry
kayte
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Reply 9 of 30 (Originally posted on: 12-09-06 12:40:17 AM)
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Maaaaaaaaan you should have posted this in TEZ. MAGUSMAGUSMAGUSMAGUS

I hope to hear plenty of stories about bizarre requests and such.
Wandering Idiot
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Surely something dumber has come up since my apparent forgetfulness for STDs and doctor visits.

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Reply 10 of 30 (Originally posted on: 12-09-06 12:54:51 AM)
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If something extremely random happens, I'll post about it, otherwise I'll just write a quarterly "what's happening at the porn store" thread or something in TEZ.

I haven't been in TEZ in, fuck, forever. Expect to see me pop in there from time to time, I suppose.
"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza."
-Dave Barry
Mr Excitable
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Reply 11 of 30 (Originally posted on: 12-09-06 01:04:13 AM)
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I hope your mom comes in to buy some anal beads i'm a serial-killer :)
Smokey
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fuck this title

funkle smokey

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Reply 12 of 30 (Originally posted on: 12-09-06 01:04:25 AM)
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I worked at a porn shop not far from here for 6 months 2 years ago and met one of my best friends in the process. After the first week it's just an ordinary job. You expect all kinds of freaks to come in, and I'm sure they did, but they hid it very well. It may aswell have been wal-mart.

Yeah I hated it.
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mmac
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Reply 13 of 30 (Originally posted on: 12-09-06 12:12:44 PM)
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tell me a job you don't hate smokey
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Smokey
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fuck this title

funkle smokey

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Reply 14 of 30 (Originally posted on: 12-09-06 05:04:03 PM)
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Quoted from mmac:
tell me a job you don't hate smokey


Tell me one you don't.
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Smokey
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fuck this title

funkle smokey

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Reply 15 of 30 (Originally posted on: 12-09-06 05:04:16 PM)
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Double penetration.
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mmac
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Reply 16 of 30 (Originally posted on: 12-09-06 07:50:09 PM)
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I like my new job. As long as I'm out of the Army, I'm a happy man.
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Reply 17 of 30 (Originally posted on: 12-09-06 07:55:28 PM)
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Quoted from mmac:
tell me a job you don't hate smokey

so are we purposely avoiding the "blow job" joke or what?
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Smokey
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fuck this title

funkle smokey

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Reply 18 of 30 (Originally posted on: 12-09-06 08:47:57 PM)
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This is a tasteful conversation, Dimi - take your filth back to RS.
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Reply 19 of 30 (Originally posted on: 12-09-06 09:23:05 PM)
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Sorry i'll leave the sophisticated porn shop anal bead discussion to the adults.
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Reply 20 of 30 (Originally posted on: 12-10-06 12:02:46 AM)
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Quoted from etymxris:
I dunno, working in porn seems that it would have it's disadvantages. All types of nasty hags coming in getting vibrators, for example. More importantly, it's problematic to put "porno shop" on your resume. Also, doesn't look like the pay is that great.


Really, aside from the stories you might get, this job doesn't seem worth it.
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Wandering Idiot
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Surely something dumber has come up since my apparent forgetfulness for STDs and doctor visits.

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Reply 21 of 30 (Originally posted on: 12-10-06 02:03:55 AM)
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Oh yeah, I know it doesn't sound worth it. And yes, I know I'm going to get bored with it, probably faster than I'm expecting. One of the main reasons I'm taking it is because the boss is cool, and so are the other employees I met today when I went back to fill out the background check again (lost it somehow).

So yeah, I'm just going to wind up being the weird guy that sells porn to other strange people. In a conservative state, full of very big hypocrites.


Let's not even get onto talking about anal beads, something tells me I'm going to talk about those things a lot more often than I want to in the near future.
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Reply 22 of 30 (Originally posted on: 12-10-06 12:02:54 PM)
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Retail always has weird stories, no matter what you sell. But this... I think this is taking it to a whole new level. I await your updates with interest.
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Reply 23 of 30 (Originally posted on: 12-12-06 03:31:45 AM)
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bitches gotta get paid

sounds better than a number of lower paying retail jobs. At least you get some sexy schadenfreude while you're at it, better than a gas station.
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Reply 24 of 30 (Originally posted on: 12-12-06 01:56:44 PM)
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the drugstore i worked in for 4 years also had porno dvds for sale, and porn vhs for rent....it's like funny for the first two times you sell/rent some.....and i was like 16, what are you, 25?

It's not funny what the customers buy, but how they act
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