Amphytrite
Hard for Drah
I don't really even like hearing about it or reading about it
Ballkicks: (+1869 / -83)
Posts: 6818 (1.123)
Reg. Date: Apr 2004
Location: Cowpenis
Gender: Female |
(Originally posted on: 07-06-06 10:35:25 PM)
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It seems like a simple plan. Run up to a sign in the middle of the night, twist the bolts off the metal pole, and make off with your very own piece of locality. But is it really that easy? Is anything ever that easy? One of the things that would-be stealers often misjudge is the simplicity of stealing a street sign. Many view it as a trivial task, one that takes no real skill or intelligence. But these people are sorely mistaken. Breaking any law properly takes a considerable amount of time and effort, especially one that commands the lawbreakers to be sly as foxes. Serious sign stealers take extra steps to prevent capture by the police, from preparation to the act itself and its aftermath. You will all soon be capable of wiping out the sign population of the world.
A typical mistake novice sign stealers make is insufficient preparation, including care for the sign. Something that most people don't realize is the actual size of the typical street sign. Since most signs are made to be visible from distances of one hundred feet or more and at speeds of up to 70 miles per hour, they have to be big. Stop signs are normally two feet in diameter, as are other traffic signs. Local signs, such as route signs, are usually slightly smaller. Street signs, used to mark the names of streets, are generally most difficult to steal because the one sign everyone in the community wants to have is the one you want as well. Trust me, the sign will be bolted down like Fort Knox. Therefore, walking half a mile from the scene of the crime to your house with a two foot wide metal sign in your grubby paws is not going to cut it. It is always best to have a getaway vehicle. A best friend's old pickup truck will suffice, as will anything with a trunk. It is considered wise to use a car that does not draw attention to itself. Leave the spinners home, as well as the extra bass plug-in for your stereo. I don't suggest parking directly next to the sign. Doing this is asking for trouble, and no one wants that! Park close enough for a smooth getaway, and if the sign you want is in a residential area, keep the car and its driver about a block away. Be sure that the driver can see what's happening, and it gives you an excuse to use a cool hand signal to initiate the getaway.
Some stealers don't consider the repercussions of stealing an actual road sign, especially when the sign is in a highly populated area, as many are. Although traffic signs are supercool, in the past people who were caught for stealing stop signs were found guilty of manslaughter. After the stop sign was taken, a car ran through the area the stop sign occupied and its driver died. This is the reason I highly recommend stealing an informational sign, such as one with the worst intention of making drivers lost. I also suggest scoping out a sign beforehand. It is key to remember the rules of real estate—location, location, location. Stealing a sign next to a busy intersection is something only experienced sign stealers should attempt in the dead of night. If you aren't as advanced in this art, the best idea is to find a sign in a less popular area, generally on a road people aren't likely to travel at night.
The best time to execute your plan is during the nighttime. In daytime, drivers are much more likely to notice a car parked on the side of the road and two people standing awkwardly around a sign pole. As with the car, don't wear anything that will stick out at night like a sore thumb. No matter how much you like hot pink, it's a bad idea to wear it during a steal attempt. If a pair of high beams catches sight of your yellow shirt while you're dangling from the top of a road sign, the driver will become quite suspicious. In my experience, most drivers keep going, but there is always a Good Samaritan trying to ruin everything for the rest of us.
The last step of preparation is to have the right equipment. The most essential items for the act itself are a good wrench, some sort of stool and two sidekicks. I like to think the wrench is obvious, but I still get students who think they can undo the nuts and bolts with their bare hands. I will say this once and only once—you are not The Hulk. We all like to think we're strong, but I can tell you right now that you're not that strong. The stool may be a little less clear, but just as they're a lot bigger than everyone thinks, signs are also placed a lot higher in the air than one would imagine. I'm 5'10 and I usually can't reach higher than the bottom bolt of a sign. This is why you need a sidekick outside. I suggest someone taller than you if you're pretty sure you can't reach the top bolt with your stool, and even if you can, someone to keep lookout for cars (especially the Blue Light Specials) and pedestrians. The other sidekick will serve as your driver. If you don't have your own car, I recommend "borrowing" not only a car but the car's owner as well.
The actual act of stealing a sign seems simple as well, but that is fully incorrect. Although the theft itself takes a lot less time than the preparation, it's still a difficult task to achieve. Unfortunate sign stealers may find themselves dealing with special bolts used to deter stealers, or worse, rusty bolts. For those who want to steal Slow Children signs, take heed! Since their introduction to special communities everywhere, several years have passed and a true Slow Children sign will undoubtedly have very rusty bolts. This may mean coming back multiple times to work on the bolts, and that's okay. This holds true for all signs—as long as you aren't hanging around it all night every night, it's okay to come back once a week or so to work on rusty or tricky bolts.
Once you arrive at the site of the sign, work quickly. The driver should remain in the car at all times, and the car should be at least idling in preparation for an unsuspected interruption in the operation. Your sidekick should be on the watch for dangers on the ground, such as other people and raccoons. (This is a good time to suggest that you're all up-to-date on your rabies and tetanus inoculations.) Your sidekick should also help you maintain your balance on the stool if there is uneven ground, but don't expect him or her to hold you up. That won't fly on the side of the road.
After you have successfully retrieved the street sign and returned to the car, put the sign in the trunk, covered by whatever menagerie of items is already in the trunk. It is a good idea to remind the driver not to speed en route to your house. Being stopped by the police for speeding with a freshly stolen street sign in the trunk screams awkward moment.
Once you have returned to your house, wipe the street sign clean with some soap and water. It also feels good to wash your own hands as a metaphorical deed akin to washing your hands clean of the crime. Many consider the most difficult part of stealing a sign is finding a place to display the sign. This can be especially challenging if you still live with your parents, or if your roommate is a policeman. If this is the case, I would suggest hanging the sign in your closet, with a small shrine dedicated to it. Don't light candles and then walk away. If you live with awesome people, anywhere is appropriate. The most classic spot for a sign to be hung is on the living room wall. If you have space constraints, any sort of wall will do. After you have found a home for your street sign, celebrate! Go to dinner with your sidekicks or play a rousing game of Risk.
Although I have mentioned this before, I will remind you that stealing any street sign automatically puts you in the hands of fate. Some people do get caught stealing signs, and some things that happen as an effect of stealing a street sign can be harmful not only to you but also to drivers. You must weigh the advantages and the disadvantages of taking a sign—is it something you really want to do? For me, the answer has always been yes. I have armed you with the strongest tool I have, which is knowledge. If you are still willing to steal a sign, let me be the first to welcome you into the brotherhood of sign stealers. We are happy to have you! Good luck and god speed.
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