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Pertti Susilainen
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(Originally posted on: 05-21-06 04:23:41 PM)
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Last night, after drinking and partying almost hard with my friends, I had a bit of serious conversation with a friend of mine. Basically, he began saying that he was not happy with how things worked in our group of friends, because we never talk about serious stuff. It's almost like we're just drinking buddies, even though in reality it's not like that at all. He said, quite rightly, that nobody ever expresses their feelings. It made me think my group of friends, at least the core of it, has always been a bit cold in regards to keeping the distance. Seldom, if ever, do we hear about someone's plans for the future, or about his/her fears, or anything at all. We have fun, we make jokes, we are there when the others need us, and that's it.

So it made me question, how is the relationship in other groups of friends? Do you talk about serious stuff that much? This wouldn't include politics, as we talk about it quite often but I think it's a whole different manner, it's more impersonal, so to speak.

I don't know, I'm curious.
"Hwt, he on a tid e he inne bi, ne bi hrinen mid y storme s wintres; ac t bi an eagan bryhtm and t lste fc, ac he sona of wintre on one winter eft cyme hwt r foregange, oe hwt r fylige, we ne cunnen."
"Lo, he, in the time that he is inside, is not touched by the storm of the winter, but that is an eye's winking and the least time, but he straightway comes back from winter into winter, what thereto may precede or what to it may follow, we do not know."
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Reply 1 of 18 (Originally posted on: 05-21-06 04:31:06 PM)
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My friends and I tend to make jokes. We don't discuss serious things much, either. There are a couple people who bring it up every so often, but mostly it ends in depression, unfortunately, so we don't bother.

Acceptances to universities and such were congratulated, of course, but generally speaking, we just make jokes about day to day life.
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Reply 2 of 18 (Originally posted on: 05-21-06 04:35:58 PM)
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depends on which friends

with some we discuss a lot of things about our selves, how certain things made us feel, and why, etc

with others its indeed more drinking budies, but then I know thats what they're for, and I dont expect anything else.
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Reply 3 of 18 (Originally posted on: 05-21-06 04:41:11 PM)
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I'll talk about whatever i feel like, maybe i have a bad for feeling for the situations, but i try to talk about most stuff with most people, except my best friends, whom i will discuss anything with......

The stuff you described, i coudln't live such a farce, i know most people can, and do......but it's boring, it reminds of the old men in this town, their cold personalities, and how i just know that when they were small, their daddy told them that crying is for girls, and doing carpentry is for men.....

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Reply 4 of 18 (Originally posted on: 05-21-06 05:55:09 PM)
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No, the only people i've been honest about emotions with is my mom and the internet.
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Reply 5 of 18 (Originally posted on: 05-21-06 06:05:08 PM)
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I have no problem talking to any of my friends about anything, but more often than not, I'm on the receiving end of the conversation.

But the nature of the friendship really depends on the context of the relationship. If the friend happens to be a classmate and the extent of your interactions remains in the classroom, then maybe the breadth of discussion topics is limited. But if it's someone that you've known for years, then you'd expect more closeness and exchange of concerns and feelings.

Friends can function in many ways -- they can be confidantes or they can be a great way to spend a Friday night.
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Reply 6 of 18 (Originally posted on: 05-21-06 07:09:15 PM)
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I think that it might have to do with the size of the group.

In my experience, people are usually only willing to bare themselves to one or two people at a time. The larger the group of people, the more difficult it becomes to deal with the possibility of seeming weak.

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Reply 7 of 18 (Originally posted on: 05-21-06 08:01:44 PM)
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I think surt raises a good point bring up the differences between females and males. To me i think that females would be more willing to bare their emotions, atleast more often then males would be. Whether that is the way they were brought up or if it is genetic or if it is completely false i have no idea.
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Reply 8 of 18 (Originally posted on: 05-21-06 08:11:47 PM)
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I'm not.
When it comes down to it, I'm open when people ask, but nobody ever asks. More or less, I get into friendships that revolve around activities - going for lunch, going to a bar, drinking, going to other places - I miss these. There a few that I've talked to deeply, but those tend to be online and/or they disappear after a while. I don't see them again for weeks or months.

If the greatest quality of a best friend is someone to open up to offline, I lack one. Those I see as being close friends are usually not that close, despite how much I may try or desire at times.

I'm not even close with my family.
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Reply 9 of 18 (Originally posted on: 05-21-06 08:38:24 PM)
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I like what you said, Surt.
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Reply 10 of 18 (Originally posted on: 05-21-06 09:45:08 PM)
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Quoted from Zippo:
I have no problem talking to any of my friends about anything, but more often than not, I'm on the receiving end of the conversation.

Me too.
I kinda have two sets of friends, like an inner circle and an outer circle. The inner circle's great for talking about anything and whatnot, and the outer circle's more for activities.
It seems like guys are less likely to actually talk about stuff with other guys, for some reason. Isn't it some sort of social outlet crap like they always write about in Cosmo and Surt talked about? Guys just don't talk about stuff as much, which is probably hard if you're a guy.
And Drah (sort of) brings up an interesting point-I've always had an easier time talking to a guy about religion or social affects or life over IM, rather than face to face. Something about the anonymity of a computer screen makes it easier to just say something and not have to deal with the other sensory information that could probably end up overwhelming.
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Pertti Susilainen
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Reply 11 of 18 (Originally posted on: 05-22-06 02:42:37 AM)
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I have an inner circle and an outer circle too, and I wouldn't even think of talking of serious stuff (other than perhaps politics) with people from the outer circle.

Then there's the core of the inner circle, numbering perhaps two or three people with whom I could theoretically speak of anything. But in the past, this 'anything' has only meant talking of relationships, who you like and what you're going to do about it. And that, not in any depth whatsoever.

That's what has led me to think that, sometimes, people online might know me better than people offline in some regards.

But I agree with Surt in that it should be different. It's not something we've planned, though, and the females in the group seem to be just as careless as the males (but I'm sure they're not, when they're only among female friends).
"Hwt, he on a tid e he inne bi, ne bi hrinen mid y storme s wintres; ac t bi an eagan bryhtm and t lste fc, ac he sona of wintre on one winter eft cyme hwt r foregange, oe hwt r fylige, we ne cunnen."
"Lo, he, in the time that he is inside, is not touched by the storm of the winter, but that is an eye's winking and the least time, but he straightway comes back from winter into winter, what thereto may precede or what to it may follow, we do not know."
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Reply 12 of 18 (Originally posted on: 05-22-06 07:03:57 AM)
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I like what you said too, Surt i'm a serial-killer :)

It is possible to have someone be both. I have many friends that don't/rarely drink, and I'll go out to dinner with them and such, and we talk. I have a few good friends who I can drink with, and then go grocery shopping with, or sit down at a coffee shop and have a good time either way.

I consider drinking buddies to be people who I only see occasionally, out at the bar or something, or people who only come over for after parties. If I get to a place of regular phone/internet/real life contact with anyone, there is bound to be an element of solid friendship there, even if there's alot of drinking involved sometimes.
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Reply 13 of 18 (Originally posted on: 05-22-06 09:13:26 AM)
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If I can't talk to people about something serious - at least once in a while - I don't consider them close friends but rather "mates". So I have ... four, maybe five close friends? The rest would be drinking buddies if I ever drank. kekeke u give soj???
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Reply 14 of 18 (Originally posted on: 05-22-06 12:40:20 PM)
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I used to have only a couple close friends in high school, but I find that even those that are "just drinking buddies" at college end up being really in touch with themselves and I've had really good conversations with them, particularly while we're drunk. There are still some people here who are like totally distant, but the majority of my friends here are pretty awesome in that they're really approachable and open about their emotions. I think that's a big reason why I was so depressed in high school and absolutely love college.
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Reply 15 of 18 (Originally posted on: 05-22-06 03:52:59 PM)
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I used to think I was "friends" with the people with whom I would get at the same place and time. When I actually thought about my relationships with those people, I realized that most of them weren't really my friends and that I didn't actually like quite a few of them. Friendship needs to be maintain while sober, in my opinion.
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Reply 16 of 18 (Originally posted on: 05-22-06 11:58:50 PM)
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At home my friends and I just go get fucked up and really the only problems we ever talk about is how broke we are from going out every night. At school, I talk a lot more to my friends, but even then a lot of it is just about being broke.
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Reply 17 of 18 (Originally posted on: 05-23-06 11:15:02 PM)
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It all makes me feel quite empty and emo. My three really, really good friends I can never talk about any problems I'm having or anything with. I sort of can with my dad and maybe my mum, and my girlfriend, but apart from that, I feel more comfortable telling tons of strangers on the net.

And I like what Surt said, but my inability to express my emotions is not to do with my parents, its to do with my living in a small country town. it sucks the life out of you.
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Reply 18 of 18 (Originally posted on: 05-26-06 12:13:07 PM)
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Quoted from Mingan:
depends on which friends

with some we discuss a lot of things about our selves, how certain things made us feel, and why, etc

with others its indeed more drinking budies, but then I know thats what they're for, and I dont expect anything else.


I stopped reading here becuase I'm the same way.

But, on the same note, those friends who are just drinking buddies are only that because - and I don't really tell them this...I pretty much don't give a shit about them. I mean, one of them is everything daddy Bush would love us all to be as Americans - but he throws a mean party.

I'd sell him down the river for a snickers bar, but yeah, drinking buddy I can handle.
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