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(Originally posted on: 02-10-03 12:06:49 AM)
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Hey.
I sometimes write poems and most of the time they suck, but this is where I will post them for honest feedback if people are bored enough to give it to me.
Opinions?

Poem 1...
(*EDITED OUT FOR NON DISCLOSED REASONS*)
This reply was last edited on 03-12-03 03:02:13 AM by .


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Reply 1 of 10 (Originally posted on: 02-10-03 12:08:43 AM)
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Goodbye

I remember being happy,
When every day was filled with joy.
I was innocent and young,
A naive little boy.

I was always smiling,
And everything was alright.
Nights were warm and comfortable,
And days were fun and bright.

As I grew into a teen,
Things got complicated.
Drugs and sex and alcohol,
Were among the things that waited.

I expiremented with them all,
And liked what I was trying.
My life was going downhill,
And my brain was slowly frying.

In my eighteenth year,
I found love that I felt would last.
The drugs and alcohol,
Became a thing of the past.

It was when I turned eighteen.
That I fell in love with Candy.
We had intercourse frequently,
And everything was dandy.

After four months with her,
She told me something bad.
She had been tested for disease,
And HIV is what she had.

She had only ever slept,
With one other guy, named Ted.
But sadly we now both had AIDS,
And eventually we'd be dead.

A week later, we broke up,
The emotion was too much.
I moved away, to a new state,
And with Candy I lost touch.

I became severely depressed,
And my AIDS got severe.
My life again was filled with drugs,
And my days filled with fear.

After a few years,
I became mad at everyone.
Intentionally spreading my disease,
Through my Heroin needles, it was done.

Here I sit typing this,
With tears forming in my eyes,
My brain was thinking suicide,
Because with me, these problems die.

So in a few moments,
My life will soon be gone.
I plan to shoot myself,
And yes, I know it's wrong.

But I don't want to deal,
With the problems I have had.
I am never happy,
And my life is always sad.

Perhaps in the afterlife,
God will take me in.
I know that what I've done is wrong,
And I am full of sin.

Perhaps there is no God,
And what will happen then?
I will become a rotting corpse,
And be released of all my sin.

Goodbye.


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Reply 2 of 10 (Originally posted on: 02-10-03 12:10:51 AM)
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Old Man Lawrence Carnagie

Old Man Lawrence Carnagie,
Lived in a brick house by the bay.
He would sit in a wooden rocker,
On his little porch each day.

He had no family,
No one to love him back.
His only love, his wife Maureen,
Had died of a heart attack.

His hair was grey, his eyes were blue,
But his eyes had lost their glow.
There were no people to talk to,
And there was no place for him to go.

So every day, on his porch he'd sit,
Watching the kids walk by.
He would reminisce back to his childhood,
And this would make him cry.

He knew now he was old,
And as unloved as he'd ever been.
He just wanted to feel love again,
So he took a path to sin.

One day the neighbors daughter,
Walked by his house to school.
She was 17, and pretty,
But a little bit a fool.

As she walked by his house that day,
He called her name in a shout.
She came to see what the nice old man,
Was yelling to her about.

He asked her if she could help him,
Move a table in his house.
She knew the man was harmless,
And friendly as a mouse.

When she got into the house,
The door was locked quite quick.
She realized now his intentions,
And through the window she tried to slip.

But to no avail, he had strength left,
For sex this was his last chance.
He grabbed her around the waist,
And started ripping off her pants.

But she started screaming loudly,
And with panic he did fill.
He picked up a frying pan,
And went in for the kill.

He knocked her out, and she went limp,
He had hit her in the head.
He was happy she was breathing still,
As this meant she wasn't dead.

He reflected back onto his life,
As he held the unconscious girl.
Flashbacks running through his head,
As his memory unfurled.

He knew what he was doing was wrong,
But it was too late to return.
He placed her on the table.
And deflowered her with his sperm.

He looked down at the pretty girl,
On the table, still as ice.
He decided he was worse than sin,
And needed to take his own life.

Upon the kitchen sink,
A bottle of Tylenol lay.
He downed the whole bottle.
As to make the pain go away.

He opened open his cabinet,
And pulled out his trusty gun.
His time was up, he knew
His life needed to be done.

He placed a bullet in the chamber,
And at his face the gun was aimed.
He took his last couple breaths,
And relieved himself of the pain.


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Reply 3 of 10 (Originally posted on: 02-10-03 12:14:20 AM)
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I had some other ones as well but I can't find them on my computer. This next one was about a website I was on, where I was basically taunting the owner of the messageboard after he banned me and I turned his whole site against him. I have them all recorded in WAV format, as I have a good voice for this sort of thing. I will add more in the future. Hope to get some feedback.

El Presidente, I fight back.
You piss and moan at my attack.
You should have killed me when you had the chance.
And now I dance,
And now I dance,
I dance.
Dance...
I dance along the line,
The crime, the line some more.
I love the line.
Do not trip and fall off the line.
I win, I spin, I laugh.
You lose.
The uproar has begun.
I see anarchy in the sun,
I won.
And though I die with this reply,
I laugh as I lie.
Forever content with my death.
Zippo
pooooooop

Leveling entire cities with her magnificient girl-cock

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Reply 4 of 10 (Originally posted on: 02-10-03 07:35:04 AM)
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Re: the first three poems- Although the structure is rather simple, you added complexity by providing a nifty plot twist (like a children's poem gone wrong).

The last poem is very different from the other three as it shows more maturity in the structure and the (lack of) organization. It's choppy, but it flows, and you can really feel your rage through the words.
"I dated a foreign exchange student in high school. She was attracted to me, and I was attracted to having sex."


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Reply 5 of 10 (Originally posted on: 02-11-03 12:36:34 PM)
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I agree the rhyming patterns of my poems are pretty basic.
spoon

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Reply 6 of 10 (Originally posted on: 02-16-03 09:53:24 PM)
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I remember the Mandy poem you wrote... heh.
The first poem is my favorite!, but I think El Presidente is very funny if you know who it's about and the situation... The other 2 poems are amusing as hell.


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Reply 7 of 10 (Originally posted on: 02-19-03 12:30:39 AM)
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Hahaha I like El Presidente too but it only works well if you know the situation.
Franks_Koolaid

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Reply 8 of 10 (Originally posted on: 02-23-03 06:33:05 PM)
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Dear lord, Adam. The first one was kind of sad, but you have your own unique style anyway. I'm not sure who El Presidente is...is he American or from way up north?
"I'll tell you what he did. He told me to force the love-fear lifeline card into my anus!"
spoon

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Reply 9 of 10 (Originally posted on: 02-23-03 10:34:31 PM)
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Koolaid, he's from up way up north i'm a serial-killer :)... *ahem*
I like industrial jungle pussy punk.
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Reply 10 of 10 (Originally posted on: 02-24-03 10:16:02 PM)
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Ooooh okay, that dude. Hmm, well I don't know how Adam can like El Presidente then.
"I'll tell you what he did. He told me to force the love-fear lifeline card into my anus!"
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