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Amphytrite
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I don't really even like hearing about it or reading about it

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(Originally posted on: 05-31-13 07:52:03 PM)
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You guys probably don't give a shit, but Zippo will probably care about this. It's about my mom, and it's really hard to talk about, so I'm typing it instead. This is really long.

Last July, my mom started acting really weird. She entered what seemed to be a manic state, staying up really late at night (like 2-3am bedtime), getting up really early, running around doing a million things. She started exercising her horse really hard, two to three times a day, in the July heat. She would think she invited people over for dinner, then get really offended when she didn't show up. She posted long, nonsensical messages on her Facebook page.

Toward the end of July, she decided to drive to a city just north of where we live to buy a new saddle. She isn't extremely familiar with the area, but she somehow ended up in Virginia. (For reference, we live in northwestern South Carolina.) She received two tickets, and by 2am, managed to find herself pulled over by a cop in Lenoir City, TN, which is south of Knoxville. Knoxville is five hours from where we live. After a discussion with the police officer who pulled her over, she was taken to the hospital, because she was disoriented, and had been driving in circles looking for a hotel. She called me multiple times to scream at me because we were embarrassing her, and then hang up. (It is surprisingly painful to have your mother hang up on you.) My dad drove up to Lenoir City while I stayed at home, a complete wreck, to take care of the farm.

Two days later, my parents planned to return. My mom got a clean bill of health from the doctors at the Lenoir City ER--nothing appeared on her MRI or x-ray, and the doctor there though she had entered a fugue state--and they decided to drive back in separate cars. By the time they reached Asheville, 90 minutes north of here, my mom had gotten lost and disoriented. I had her check into Foursquare (thing of all things) to find her location, then had my dad meet her at the Subway where she had pulled over. By the time they got home, she didn't recognise me or my dad, didn't know we had a farm, couldn't put a name to her own horse. She asked me if I was a waitress at one point. We took her to the local ER.

During the eight hour wait for admittance at a hospital I will never set foot in again, my mother told me that she knew a girl named Jessica who took really good pictures and taught her how to use a camera. (That girl is me.) She treated my dad like a piece of crap. One nurse asked me if my mom was faking it because she didn't like my dad, and another suggested she may have early dementia. She was finally admitted around 2am, and the next day, every test in the book was run on her. They all came back negative. My mom came out of her forgetful state that afternoon, and the neurologist diagnosed her with post-concussion syndrome. Unbeknownst to my dad and me, and only thanks to my friend who had received a text from my mom about it, my mom had hit her head extremely hard on the corner eave of our pump house, which was a solid 2x8, and which was at an exact 45 degree angle to the ground. She apparently saw stars and had the breath knocked out of her, and she nearly passed out. After recuperating, she thought nothing of it and went back to gardening. About a week later, she started acting strangely.

10 months later, she is still struggling. My mom is depressed, both physically and emotionally, and she has difficulty with her speech; she stutters, says everything as though it's a question, and of recent, almost exclusively uses the present tense. (She can write and type fine, though, and if you read one of her emails or texts, you would have no idea that anything was wrong with her.) She has balance issues and tires easily. She is very sensitive to light, she walks on her toes instead of her heels (???) and she no longer cooks, cleans, does laundry or interacts with the horses. (She used to like doing all of these things. Well, except for laundry, but who the fuck likes doing laundry?) My dad and I have picked up a lot of the domestic responsibilities, which has been a major struggle for both of us--my dad has taken on all the daily equine duties, as well as handling the care of all the property and the laundry, while I have tried to balance a full time job, full time grad school and cooking, cleaning and the more advanced horse care, including baths, health care and, when I can cram it in, exercise. How I've managed to maintain a 4.0 GPA (not bragging MAGUSMAGUSMAGUSMAGUS) is only by the grace of my professors, who have been beyond understanding about this whole situation. I had to text a professor from the ER last summer. That's something I can check off my bucket list, I guess.

There is a mild light at the end of the tunnel. I haven't mentioned the incompetency of my mother's doctors, including a psychiatrist who prescribed an antipsychotic as an appetite stimulant and a neurologist who has taken the "it will go away eventually" approach, but my dad's friend from childhood (a clinical psychologist in her own right) has been keeping track of my mom's situation, and she recommended neuropsychological tests for my mom. Our neurologist recommended taking her to Greenville, down the road from us, and I'm about to listen to him like a mouse listens to a lion, so mom is going to Duke on Monday. She had a battery of tests done, and the either performed or outperformed on most of the tests, but failed miserably when it came to the tests that studied her brain's response time. This is the first time we've had something--anything--to go on since all this happened, so right now, I'm clinging tight to the hope that this anomaly is the beginning of the end of this ordeal.

Every fucking day I say to myself the following: if we had removed the eaves when we moved here, like we had planned. If she hadn't bought those impatiens. If I had put the pieces together. If I had known about the Zyprexa (I was driving across America when she started taking it, and it ruined any good that the other medications had done). I know all the ifs don't matter one bit, and there's nothing I can do now, but I can't help but beat myself up over it day after day after day. The thing that keeps me going, mainly, is seeing how proud she is of me about school. I've thought about putting school on hold to help out at the farm--I graduate in December--but my parents are so blatantly proud of me that it's impossible for me to let them down by taking a sabbatical.

I suffered a breakdown at work back in November, after stress both at home and at work reached an all time high, and I ran through the workroom (where every upper level management employee was gather) crying my face off before locking myself in the bathroom for 20 minutes. My college roommate's dad died unexpectedly in April and we cried together over the phone, her in California and me in Cowpens, pitying ourselves and each other over our respective situations.

I don't even know why I'm posting this on here. I guess because you guys are like my retarded stepfamily, and because as amazing and supportive my friends have been, it's still hard to talk to them about this. I generally start crying or get overwhelmed any time I reference my mom's situation, so at least on the internet I don't have to worry about it.

tl;dr: wear a helmet. All day every day. Sleep in it. Don't hit your head ever on anything. Round off every sharp wooden corner, every metal edge, every fucking cinderblock side. If you do hit your head hard enough to see stars, go to the goddamn doctor, or at least tell someone that it happened so they can help monitor your health and physical/mental state. The ordeal that could have been avoided had we known she had hit her head--it kills me to think about it.

It's hilarious though, that after all of these years of horseback riding and falling and crushed helmets that the thing that would give me or my concussion is a fucking pumphouse. Absurd.
Nickolati: i would have gone to the doctor, because I am pussy trapped in a lumberjack's body
Ztolk
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Reply 1 of 36 (Originally posted on: 05-31-13 08:51:06 PM)
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I'm really sorry to hear that. I don't really have anything comparable in my life. My grandfather had Alzheimer's in his later years and it's terrible to see someone gradually become a ghost of their former self. During that time I was having a big fight with my father that lead to me not seeing my grandfather as much as I should have while I still had the opportunity; he died a year later.
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Reply 2 of 36 (Originally posted on: 05-31-13 09:45:41 PM)
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MAGUSMAGUSMAGUSMAGUS
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Reply 3 of 36 (Originally posted on: 05-31-13 09:53:57 PM)
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I'm really sorry to hear about your mother. I know I'm typically an asshole but that sucks and I hope you finally find a competent doctor and she gets the help she needs to get better.
Zippo
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Reply 4 of 36 (Originally posted on: 06-01-13 03:07:04 PM)
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I am sorry, and I love you!
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Reply 5 of 36 (Originally posted on: 06-01-13 04:06:46 PM)
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I feel like I already knew about some of this, at least the drive, tickets, and ending up in a few different states.

Sorry to hear about all of this, if I were closer I'd try to do something to help, but since I'm far enough away to be impotently useless, I'll just say good luck, and if you can think of a way someone can help from very long distance, let me know.
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Reply 6 of 36 (Originally posted on: 06-02-13 05:20:16 AM)
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I'm very sorry to hear. Not much I can say, except this: don't blame yourself. It's not your fault. Accidents happen, eaves or not. You don't need to make this harder on yourself.
Zippo: oh man you are a genius
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Reply 7 of 36 (Originally posted on: 06-02-13 08:18:39 AM)
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That sounds nightmarish and worse. I am sorry to hear you're going through all this (and have been for so long).

Hopefully they can help you out at Duke!
how is this for a quote
Amphytrite
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I don't really even like hearing about it or reading about it

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Reply 8 of 36 (Originally posted on: 06-02-13 08:20:59 PM)
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Thanks, you guys. I don't expect any of you to do anything (send cupcakes) but knowing that you're here & listening does mean a lot.
Quoted from Ztolk:
I'm really sorry to hear that. I don't really have anything comparable in my life. My grandfather had Alzheimer's in his later years and it's terrible to see someone gradually become a ghost of their former self. During that time I was having a big fight with my father that lead to me not seeing my grandfather as much as I should have while I still had the opportunity; he died a year later.

I remember this, and I remember thinking it must have sucked. And now I know without a doubt that it does indeed suck. One of the hardest things for me has been that before all this, my mom was one of my best friends. And I feel like I've lost a friend in addition to struggling with not really having my mom in the same way I used to. She's still my mom, but I never know from one day to the next whether I'm going to have to parent her or be parented. It's something that most people experience eventually with aging parents, and my parents are older--in their late 60s--but before what happened to my mom, they were always healthy. My dad's been his same stoic self about everything, but I have seen him get angry twice, once over being trapped in the ER for 8 hours, and once about the medicines that the psychiatrist had my mom on. He's aged so much in the last year that it's like a punch in the stomach. I feel like I've aged too...I have a lot more gray hair now, ha. But I know emotionally I'm a lot harder than I was a year ago, and I have a lot more difficulty sharing emotion than I used to.

My parents are in Durham now (they hung out with my best friend in Chapel Hill last night i'm a serial-killer :)) and my mom's appointment is tomorrow morning. I'll update you on what we find out. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that they have some guidance for us.
Nickolati: i would have gone to the doctor, because I am pussy trapped in a lumberjack's body
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Reply 9 of 36 (Originally posted on: 06-03-13 10:19:30 AM)
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Quoted from Amphytrite:
Thanks, you guys. I don't expect any of you to do anything (send cupcakes) but knowing that you're here & listening does mean a lot.



PM me your address and you will totally get some cupcakes.

e: I just googled cowpenis WAH
Amphytrite
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Reply 10 of 36 (Originally posted on: 06-03-13 04:29:20 PM)
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Quoted from @notoriousDONG:
e: I just googled cowpenis WAH

That may be the dumbest thing anyone on INTL has ever done, and that's saying a lot!

I talked to my mom this afternoon, and there's some relatively good news.

First of all, she really likes the doctors at Duke. If we didn't live three hours away, we would take her up there all the time.

Second, although this isn't something we were particularly worried about, the doctor confirmed that my mom does not have Alzheimer's or any form of dementia. Bless my family--we have just about every disease on earth but no Herzog or Foulke (my mom's side) has ever suffered from dementia. Give me heart disease all day every day, just don't take my brain.

Third, the team has assessed her brain, run more tests, and read her full chart. (I think the folder, all told, is about two inches tall at this point.) The lead doctor has diagnosed her with posttraumatic stress disorder, and in addition to finding a good psychologist as soon as she gets home, the doctor has highly recommended a service animal to help with my mom's panic attacks. (She had two while on the phone with me, and we talked for about 25 minutes.) So we may be getting a new member of the family.

Fourth, the doctor does think her brain will eventually heal. Brains are finicky things and as we all know, brain damage can be permanent and very bad. The fact that the doctor does think she'll be okay eventually is a really big thing, and something that I was really worried about.

Emoticon break
dance dance revolution dance dance revolution dance dance revolution

My reaction to all of this is a combination of relief and fury. Relief you can probably understand. Fury, however...when my mom's neurologist suggested my mom see a psychiatrist, I was against it. I had a major suspicion that she had PTSD and that's not something drugs can fix. I wanted her to see a psychologist. My mom had one of her "I'm the mother, you're the daughter, you aren't a doctor" moments & went to the psychiatrist, who threw every drug in the book at her and made things so much worse. I even talked to the psychiatrist myself about the possibility of PTSD and cognitive behavioural therapy with a psychologist (I may not be a doctor but I know my way around the DSM-IV and the fucking internet), and he brushed me off. For the next 7 months, my mother languished.

AND I WAS RIGHT THE ENTIRE GOD DAMN TIME.

When I hung up with my mom, I was filled with such anger that a lot of the worst parts of this situation possibly could have been avoided. I'm still pretty furious, and I was moved to angry tears in the car on my way to work to stock up on books on PTSD and service dogs. If I had been taken seriously, if I had taken her to a psychologist myself, if if if always with the stupid ifs. And I know I can't do anything about it, but I really want to call both the ex-psychiatrist and the about-to-be-ex-neurologist and give both of them a major piece of my mind. I don't even give a shit about being right myself, but the fact that I was right and two men with two medical degrees between them were wrong?

And an antipsychotic as an appetite stimulant. I just can't.

But anyway, despite my anger, I really am relieved. I do feel like we're on the right track this time. My mom has basically shut down and away from the initial incident, and while she can talk about hitting her head, she can't go out to the horses. (They're a trigger.) She can't watch the road when someone is driving. (It's a trigger.) She has a panic attack when she so much as knocks something over. (I don't know why that's a trigger, but apparently it is.) She freaks out when the cat jumps in her lap, but then is okay when he lies down. She's very sensitive to physical and emotional pain. Sometimes she can't watch the news.

Emoticon break
Admin is smiling politely at you Admin is smiling politely at you Admin is smiling politely at you

I'm hoping--I'd pray if I believed in god, I'd pray harder than anyone has ever prayed before--that with the help of a psychologist and possibly a service dog, we can move past this. I can move past this. I can't convince myself to move out of the house, vacations and trips have to be planned months in advance around mom's doctor appointment schedule, and the horses just don't get the love or attention they deserve. I don't expect everything to go back to normal, but if we can reach a new normal...it can be good.

Also, a little worried about getting a service dog because my dear pup Ellie is very insecure and gets jealous easily, but if worse comes to worse, if/when I move out, I'll find a place with a yard and take her with me.

So that's where we stand.

Ps. Just received my final grade for my Maymester class. I got a 99 out of 100 and my professor thinks I'm a natural storyteller. (I may be performing in a festival this fall.) My mom was my first audience for all of my stories and gave me the best advice about how to tweak and perfect each one. I'm not sure I would have done so well in class if I hadn't had her help. She's still in there somewhere. We just need to bring her back out.
Nickolati: i would have gone to the doctor, because I am pussy trapped in a lumberjack's body
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Reply 11 of 36 (Originally posted on: 06-03-13 05:39:07 PM)
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Quote:
Fourth, the doctor does think her brain will eventually heal.


dance dance revolution dance dance revolution dance dance revolution

The optimism is great news. I know it must be frustrating to know you were right all along but hopefully you can get it off your mind off of it, as it'll drive you crazy if you don't. But i'm sure you know that.

I wish you and your family the best.
Zippo
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Reply 12 of 36 (Originally posted on: 06-03-13 06:25:04 PM)
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Yay! Glad to hear that the doctors at Duke know what they are doing and have some good suggestions to help your mom recover. Don't beat yourself up about the psychologist/psychiatrist issue. The neurologist wasn't entirely wrong with psychiatry since drugs can augment the recovery with cognitive therapy. But based on the drug mishaps she has already experienced, I can understand your reasoning to avoid more drugs than needed --- I see overmedication and drugs-treating-side effects a lot with psych meds. Speaking of which, if I can help in any way in that regard, please let me know!

Congrats on kicking ass on that storytelling class. You are awesome!
Amphytrite
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Reply 13 of 36 (Originally posted on: 06-04-13 12:27:05 PM)
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Quote:
The optimism is great news. I know it must be frustrating to know you were right all along but hopefully you can get it off your mind off of it, as it'll drive you crazy if you don't. But i'm sure you know that.

Thanks Dimi. I'm trying to focus as much as I can on the good parts of all this. I have a stack of books about PTSD and service dogs, and my parents are enjoying their time in Durham (they hung out with my best friend and saw some lemurs!). I haven't talked to my dad separate from my mom yet, but I think he's probably relieved that we finally have guidance from a legitimate source based on serious testing.
Quote:
The neurologist wasn't entirely wrong with psychiatry since drugs can augment the recovery with cognitive therapy.

Augmented, yes. Replaced, no. The lack of CBT is what frustrated me most.
Quoted from Zippo:
Speaking of which, if I can help in any way in that regard, please let me know!

Ugh, why didn't I think of that five months ago? My dad had a whole spreadsheet of all the meds she was taking. She's mostly just taking vitamins and supplements now, so it's like we're starting from the beginning again.
Quote:
Congrats on kicking ass on that storytelling class. You are awesome!

Thanks bb i'm a serial-killer :) 75% done with school!
Nickolati: i would have gone to the doctor, because I am pussy trapped in a lumberjack's body
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Reply 14 of 36 (Originally posted on: 06-04-13 09:54:13 PM)
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Quoted from Amphytrite:
Quoted from @notoriousDONG:
e: I just googled cowpenis WAH

That may be the dumbest thing anyone on INTL has ever done, and that's saying a lot!




It was a joke IT'SA MEA! MARIO!
Amphytrite
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Reply 15 of 36 (Originally posted on: 06-04-13 09:57:23 PM)
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Quoted from @notoriousDONG:
Quoted from Amphytrite:
Quoted from @notoriousDONG:
e: I just googled cowpenis WAH

That may be the dumbest thing anyone on INTL has ever done, and that's saying a lot!




It was a joke IT'SA MEA! MARIO!

I know. I guess I sounded more serious when I wrote that comment than I actually was. Pretty sure 19 times was the dumbest thing anyone on INTL has really ever done. camel sex
Nickolati: i would have gone to the doctor, because I am pussy trapped in a lumberjack's body
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Reply 16 of 36 (Originally posted on: 06-04-13 10:31:21 PM)
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just fyi after those posts, I googled cowpenis and it wasn't so bad.
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Reply 17 of 36 (Originally posted on: 06-05-13 12:30:04 PM)
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lol it wasn't the 19 times that was so dumb (well maybe IDK) it was the aftermath that was dumb as hell.
Pertti Susilainen
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Reply 18 of 36 (Originally posted on: 06-05-13 02:06:47 PM)
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That may well be my favourite INTL memory and it happened, what, 9 years ago? Jesus Christ.

ANYWAY, great news about your mother! Having a diagnosis is half the battle, so hopefully things'll get better from now on.
Zippo: oh man you are a genius
Amphytrite
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Reply 19 of 36 (Originally posted on: 06-05-13 06:51:38 PM)
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I mean, 19 times was a classic.

& thank you, sukkit i'm a serial-killer :)
Nickolati: i would have gone to the doctor, because I am pussy trapped in a lumberjack's body
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Reply 20 of 36 (Originally posted on: 06-06-13 05:10:46 PM)
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I don't know Smoky's brother was pretty fantastic. Especially for the google rankings.
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Reply 21 of 36 (Originally posted on: 06-06-13 07:22:58 PM)
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Just checked the google100: yup.
Amphytrite
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Reply 22 of 36 (Originally posted on: 06-07-13 08:18:58 PM)
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man, i forgot about that shit

Ps. We think we may have found a psychologist in Charlotte. Yay!
Nickolati: i would have gone to the doctor, because I am pussy trapped in a lumberjack's body
Ztolk
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Reply 23 of 36 (Originally posted on: 06-17-13 07:52:06 PM)
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I hit my head yesterday and now I'm paranoid.
"ztolk it seems like all you do is watch videos of muscular people vomiting"
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Amphytrite
Hard for Drah

I don't really even like hearing about it or reading about it

Ballkicks: (+1869 / -83)
Posts: 6818 (1.136)
Reg. Date: Apr 2004
Location: Cowpenis
Gender: Female
Reply 24 of 36 (Originally posted on: 06-18-13 01:20:34 PM)
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Well, you told us, so that's good. Did you tell anyone else?
Nickolati: i would have gone to the doctor, because I am pussy trapped in a lumberjack's body
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