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Albannach
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(Originally posted on: 01-25-10 08:41:18 PM)
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So something really awesome and really weird happened to me.

About six months before I got married to literally the perfect woman, I started having feelings for another woman.

Let me elaborate. My wife is awesome. We've been married for over a year now, and everything between us is pretty much perfect. That's not to say that we've never fought about anything. We fight all the time, but we're always able to sit down and work something out within a few hours.

And I mean, big fights about finances, housing, and other really stressful crap.

My wife is awesome. She doesn't really care about small bullshit like the toilet seat or cigars (in fact, she'd only be mad at me if she came home to find me smoking a Cigar with some of my buddies and I didn't have an extra one for her.)

And we'd agreed a long time ago that if we ever felt something for another person, we'd immediately tell each other. She's had a crush or two, and so have I. But with this other woman, the feelings were a lot more intense.

Now, this other woman was one of our good friends. But it wasn't a problem, we were graduating soon, and probably wouldn't see her again. And besides, I was probably just having pre-marriage jitters.

I didn't love my then fiancee any less. I still had plenty of feelings for her. It was weird.

So Graduation came, as did marriage, my wife got a really good job offer in the area, I already had a job, so we decided to stick around and plan our next move.

So did our really good friend. Student loans came due for all of us, our good friend's parents kicked her to the curb for her deviant (bdsm/bisexual/etc) nature and radical (anarcho-socialist) politics. Not that she did anything in the home, mind, her father is a fundamentalist who works in IT and tracked down her internet activity.

She didn't have anywhere to go, and she was one of my Wife's and My best friends, so we told her she could sleep on our couch until she got her shit together.

Fast Forward about a month, and to our mutual surprise, my wife starts having feelings for our good friend.

This weirded us all right the fuck out.

But we did some research and discovered something called responsible polyamory.

And after reading through everything, and discovering that this is a pretty common thing (about 500,000 polyamorous families live in the US) we decided that it was only weird because our parents taught us to think that a relationship can only contain two people.

And it's awesome.

Sure, there's drama (and guys, if you think putting up with one woman's emotions and monthly cycle is tough, putting up with two is a fucking herculean effort) but I have two people that love me, and two people that I love, who also love each other.

And we can't tell any of our parents. Our Girlfriend's sister outed us to her family, and we can't tell either of our parents (her parents are 7th day adventists, my parents are conservative catholics, and you would not believe the drama we had to put up with when we decided on a nondenominational christian service for our wedding) and we certainly can't tell anyone in Nowhere, Dixie about what's going on. Which is tough.

Anyway, we're looking for places to get jobs in our respective fields that happen to be in cities. But right now, my home life is awesome.

We have three people to do chores, three incomes, (three student loan bills,) and things are pretty sweet.

We just can't tell anybody, because they would flip their shit. That's the main reason I've been cruising for forums: It's a place to talk about something I can't tell real people about. And if I get the shit flamed out of me, I can always move on. It is the internet after all.

So, what, if anything, does InterestingNoneTheLess think about my life?
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Reply 1 of 88 (Originally posted on: 01-25-10 08:51:12 PM)
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Nope.
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Reply 2 of 88 (Originally posted on: 01-25-10 08:55:21 PM)
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I think it's fine. I know a few people in polyamorous relationships (a couple Vs and a triad) and they're all happy. It's something I've considered myself, but I think I'm too jealous/protective a person for it.
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Albannach
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Reply 3 of 88 (Originally posted on: 01-25-10 09:11:15 PM)
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Quoted from Amphylite:
but I think I'm too jealous/protective a person for it.


It really isn't for everyone, and Jealousy is the hardest part. But we see it as something to be conquered, to be triumphed over, rather than an impediment.

You're right though, it's a strong human instinct, and it's tough to deal with.
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Reply 4 of 88 (Originally posted on: 01-25-10 09:21:35 PM)
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You have fun with that. It's hard enough keeping one woman happy, let alone two. You may have an amazing life for 20 years but you probably only be alive for about 22 dealing with the combined bullshit of 2 females.
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Reply 5 of 88 (Originally posted on: 01-25-10 09:35:51 PM)
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I met a dude once who told me about how he entered such a relationship, except that in his case there were two guys and one woman. He sounded happy.


I think it's one of those things where, if it happens organically (like it did in your case), you might as well try it and see how it goes. It sounds like a pretty happy arrangement for everyone.

That said, from my experience it's hard enough to find one person you really connect with, so anyone who sets out with this as their relationship goal will probably have a difficult time. If something like this is in any way forced, chances are it's not going to work out well.
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Reply 6 of 88 (Originally posted on: 01-25-10 09:36:51 PM)
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Do you think of this arrangement as something that you want to have.. forever? The same way as your marriage, or is this more of a fun activity within your marriage?

Albannach
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Reply 7 of 88 (Originally posted on: 01-25-10 10:07:18 PM)
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Quoted from Dimi:
Do you think of this arrangement as something that you want to have.. forever? The same way as your marriage, or is this more of a fun activity within your marriage?


Well, it all comes from the idea that we can't really control who we fall in love with.

And the things that brought the three of us together are much stronger than the things which might pull us apart. Infidelity isn't an issue. If one of us has feelings for someone else, we'll talk to the other two about it.

And we really believe that if you're truly in love with someone, after you cross a certain line, it'll be forever.

That doesn't mean that we'll feel love all the time. It's hard work, but we'd all like this to be permanent, yeah.

But what we want more than that is what's best for all of us. If our girlfriend meets someone else who makes her happy, we'll want her to go for it, even if they're someone who wouldn't be OK with her being in a relationship with us.

We won't love each other any less, we'll just be limited in the way we can express that love.

Does this make sense?
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Reply 8 of 88 (Originally posted on: 01-25-10 11:48:09 PM)
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Yes. What if your wife, or you meet someone else who makes her (or you) happy, and that person isn't comfortable with the other two people. Would she or you disappear, leaving only the other two?

I guess what i'm trying to figure out is, are the three of you equal in this relationship? Or more appropriately, does each person play a different role or do you consider yourselves all to be filling the same role? I don't mean in terms of 'who works, who takes care of the house,' or that stuff. My question is, is the girlfriend a sort of supplemental character in the marriage, or is she as strong a part of the marriage as anyone else?

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Reply 9 of 88 (Originally posted on: 01-26-10 05:11:28 AM)
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This is all going to come crumbling down around you.

Enjoy it while it lasts.
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Reply 10 of 88 (Originally posted on: 01-26-10 06:19:02 AM)
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I know a girl whose parents are like that. Her mother was having this lesbian affair, and her father found and was cool with it and joined on in. Now they sleep in a giant three person bed. Do you have a giant three person bed?
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Reply 11 of 88 (Originally posted on: 01-26-10 08:29:05 AM)
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that's some serious sitcom shit right there.
It is company policy not to release this information.
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Reply 12 of 88 (Originally posted on: 01-26-10 09:36:27 AM)
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Yea, what Chimp said. I can only seeing this ending with a divorce or a murder-suicide ordeal.

For one thing, I think it's pretty fucking cruel what you and your wife is doing to this girl. As far as I can see, she's stuck in a relationship that will never go as far as her getting married herself, and conceivably will never result in her having a child and family of her own while the two of you use her as an in-house sex toy. Granted she's doing this to herself willingly at the moment...but I think it's probably only a matter of time before her biological clock starts winding down and she wants a family. I'm not sure how thats going to work out.

Even if it somehow does work out to a clean break-up between you two and the girlfriend, I definately think your wife (of even you) is going to discover that she isn't satisfied in a one-on-one relationship, and is bound to start looking for a second girlfriend/boyfriend to fill the emotional need for attention. I think your wife is eventually going to cheat on you.

It may seem pretty cool to see another girl going down on your wife...but how are you gonna feel when some random dude is balls deep inside of her? Are you gonna shrug it off, give him a reacharound and call yourself polyamorous again?
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Reply 13 of 88 (Originally posted on: 01-26-10 01:08:22 PM)
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OK so I think that a lot of the fears that people have about it not lasting, etc, are sort of unjustified.

Are you guys sure you only think it will fail because you're comparing it to a relationship where one person is cheating on another, or an open relationship? I think most people in this thread predicting failure are doing so because this type of relationship is unfamiliar to them, and therefore they assume its unstable.

I don't necessarily think that this configuration is more doomed to failure than any marriage between people in their early 20s – that is to say, quite doomed, but not for the reasons anyone here is suggesting.

So while I don't think this is necessarily more unstable than a conventional marriage, I still have trouble predicting success for a marriage undertaken so early in life. That being said, fuckin enjoy having threesomes every night for as long as you can, props
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Reply 14 of 88 (Originally posted on: 01-26-10 04:13:55 PM)
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Quoted from t:
I think your wife is eventually going to cheat on you.

If he's truly polyamorous, this won't bother him.
Quote:
Are you gonna shrug it off, give him a reacharound and call yourself polyamorous again?

This doesn't really have to do with being polyamorous. He doesn't have to be involved with who she's dating.
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Albannach
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Reply 15 of 88 (Originally posted on: 01-26-10 08:50:45 PM)
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Quoted from Dimi:
I guess what i'm trying to figure out is, are the three of you equal in this relationship?


That's the goal, I think. That's what we're working towards: Balance.

Sometimes I stay up after my wife has gone to bed, sometimes I go to bed with her, sometimes I sleep on the couch because they're having girl time, and sometimes we all sleep together though it's a bit cramped.

So to Answer Ztolk's question: I wish we had a giant three person bed, but we don't, and I'm a pretty tall guy with broad shoulders so it gets cramped.

Quoted from take it sleazy:
ion is more doomed to failure than any marriage between people in their early 20s – that is to say, quite doomed, but not for the reasons anyone here is suggesting.


Thanks for sticking up for me, and you're right. Predicting success or failure at this stage is hard, especially for folks who only know what I tell them about the relationship.

Quoted from Amphylite:
Quoted from t:
I think your wife is eventually going to cheat on you.

If he's truly polyamorous, this won't bother him.
Quote:
Are you gonna shrug it off, give him a reacharound and call yourself polyamorous again?

This doesn't really have to do with being polyamorous. He doesn't have to be involved with who she's dating.


Right on both counts, Amphy. My wife and I are married and together because we work well together. If she meets someone else that spending time with or having sex with will make her happy, then I want her to be happy and she wants the same for me. Our commitment to each other has to do with so much more than sex, and that goes for our girlfriend too.

What makes this relationship work is sitting around making fun of movies together, going camping together, sitting around the dinner table together, and laughing together.

We're really busy people too, so the sex doesn't happen nearly as much as anyone would like, we're too tired.

So to answer your attack, "t," this isn't about sex. If it were about sex, we'd be swingers.

This is about more. This is about the emotional support we get from each other.

If our Girlfriend met someone else that she loved, or if she felt like moving out, or if her life takes her in a direction where we don't see her much, then we'll miss her, but we'll still want as much of that communication and emotional support as we can get.

I don't think that we'll ever stop loving each other, any of us. We may, at some point, stop having a romantic relationship between the three of us, but I don't think that it'll have a dramatic end.

Again, to allude to Amphy, what really destroys most relationships in the world today is jealousy, lust, and broken promises. We've decided to live in a way where Jealousy, and Lust have no power over our relationship, and where our promises are easy to keep. There will be no jealous explosions if someone starts having feelings for someone else.

Quoted from DrNick:
that's some serious sitcom shit right there.


Oh, Jesus, tell me about it.

Edit:

I asked our girlfriend to read this thread, and she had this response to t's post: "I'm never having children, and I think that marriage is institutionalized slavery."

She's a radical feminist. I really don't think she's the kind of person that I can take advantage of.
This reply was last edited on 01-26-10 08:56:35 PM by Albannach.
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Reply 16 of 88 (Originally posted on: 01-26-10 11:06:42 PM)
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Quote:
Predicting success or failure at this stage is hard, especially for folks who only know what I tell them about the relationship.


If you think that will keep this crowd from telling you why you do things and making value judgments based on that limited information, you are incorrect.
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Reply 17 of 88 (Originally posted on: 01-26-10 11:09:02 PM)
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All it's going to take is a power play between two of the three against the lone one, and it'll go from there.

Just like political science, two world powers = stability, three = impending clash.
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Reply 18 of 88 (Originally posted on: 01-27-10 06:28:11 PM)
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Quote:
that's some serious sitcom shit right there.

Ehm. False. This would never be a sitcom. If this were anything on TV it'd be HBO premium television ala Big Love. Watch more TV, brah.


p.s. hey dr. nick, t, and ice supp???
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Reply 19 of 88 (Originally posted on: 01-28-10 04:03:08 AM)
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polyamory is wrong. you can't go around mixing greek and latin, what do you think this is, your marriage??
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Reply 20 of 88 (Originally posted on: 01-28-10 06:12:56 AM)
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It's either multiamory or polyphilia!
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Reply 21 of 88 (Originally posted on: 01-28-10 12:16:32 PM)
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Quoted from antpocas:
polyamory is wrong. you can't go around mixing greek and latin, what do you think this is, your marriage??
n0ice
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Reply 22 of 88 (Originally posted on: 01-28-10 05:07:37 PM)
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Anarcho-socialist? From my experience these individuals are the craziest sort of people, usually being mentally unstable due to trouble with their family. I am certain that this girlfriend of yours will inevitably do something crazy (their moral codes are quite messed up and cannot be fully trusted) to hurt both you and your wife. Institutionalized slavery? LOL how do you and your wife feel about that comment. Every 'radical' feminist I've met has been absolutely crazy, so watch out!
“Was der Tod der Elf einmal bedeuten wird, vermögen heute nur wenige zu ahnen — noch weniger kann ich darüber schreiben. Wir stehen mitten in einer grossen Zeitenwende. Was wir alle durchmachen sind ihre Geburtswehen. Alles scheint negativ — und einmal wird dann doch Neues and Grosses geboren werden....”
Albannach
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Reply 23 of 88 (Originally posted on: 01-28-10 07:22:04 PM)
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Quoted from Bon:
Anarcho-socialist? From my experience these individuals are the craziest sort of people, usually being mentally unstable due to trouble with their family. I am certain that this girlfriend of yours will inevitably do something crazy (their moral codes are quite messed up and cannot be fully trusted) to hurt both you and your wife. Institutionalized slavery? LOL how do you and your wife feel about that comment. Every 'radical' feminist I've met has been absolutely crazy, so watch out!


So Noam Chomsky is a dangerously unstable man, and this stems from a bad family life?

Is this true of others? Pierre-Joseph Proudhon? Thoreau and Tolstoy? What about William Godwin?

Yes, but because your very narrow experience leads you to have certain prejudices, they must be true.

 You're an idiot. Don't post in my threads unless you have a coherent point. 
Amphytrite
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Reply 24 of 88 (Originally posted on: 01-28-10 07:41:46 PM)
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Quoted from Albannach:
 You're an idiot. Don't post in my threads unless you have a coherent point. 

That's pretty much how Bon is.

Also, I'm having a difficult time understanding why everyone thinks this is automatically doomed to fail. Any relationship is going to have a possibility of failing, so what makes a triad even more likely? The fact that there are three people? The fact that two of them are women? The fact that none of you seem to understand how polyamory actually works?

It's not for everyone, certainly, but that doesn't mean it's not for anyone.
Spiff: amphytrite, the anti-tart

Purple: Amphy, scratch my neckfat

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