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We were asked to write a "how-to" essay, and so I decided to write mine on how to be a typical Subway customer. Seems to fit here, so I thought I'd post it.

How To Become A Traditional Subway Customer

The typical Subway Sandwiches customer is not like the average person. They are a unique brand of demanding, satisfied only when the underpaid, overworked teenager in front of them has been completely degraded. They will stop at nothing to inconvenience an employee. Their dedication to their cause is most admirable. Having observed these strange creatures for over a year now, I feel that I am educated enough to teach the rest of the world how to successfully become a Subway customer.

Firstly, the ideal customer will have an average of eight small children with them at any given visit to Subway. All of them will want Kids Packs, so be sure to come in later on in the afternoon, when your local restaurant is more likely to be out of the deli-style bread used as kid sandwiches. Throw a fit when the sandwich artist meekly tells you that they are out, but that they can cut a six inch so that it’s roughly the same size as a deli. Make sure you are too busy arguing with the employee to do anything when one of your kids discovers the mystical bell that rings whenever the door is opened, and then proceeds to repeatedly open and close the door. Subway employees are trained to run up front whenever the door bell goes off, so this is a sure-fire way to inconvenience them.

When your kids are ordering, be sure to have them speak directly into the sneeze guard, so that they cannot be heard. When the employee looks at you in frustration, pretend not to notice. Then scream at said employee for putting pickles on the sub, when your child clearly said mayonnaise. Repeat this for each child you bring in. Before you’re halfway through, an enormous line of other Subway customers should’ve formed behind you. Be sure to take great joy from the look of agony on the employee’s face as they try in vein to get through you and your herd of small children as quickly as possible, so that they can wait on other customers.

Now that your kids have ordered, it’s time for you to decide what you would like to eat. It’s best if you have absolutely no idea what you’re in the mood for, or if you’re even hungry at all. The longer you can hold up the line while making “hmm” noises, the better. Don’t say whether or not you want a foot long or a six inch until at least the fourth time the sandwich artist has asked you, and never, no matter what, tell them what kind of bread you would like your sub on until after you have rambled off every last topping that you would like added to your sandwich. Since it is unlikely that the employee will remember what vegetables you wanted, or that the same employee will even be handling the vegetables, they will probably ask you to list them again, later. When this happens, let them know how annoyed you are. Once you finally must make known what kind of bread you want, try and pick one that you think will be out of stock. If it is, let the employee know that your entire day has just been ruined, and that you are outraged. Grudgingly accept whatever substitute they offer. Who cares if Italian Herbs and Cheese bread is more or less the same thing as Parmesan Oregano? The Italian Herbs and Cheese bread was something you’ve been looking forward to all day. It’s the only good thing in your life. And now, you’re being asked to settle for something that’s “more or less” the same thing. How dare they?

Another important thing to remember while ordering, is that you should definitely rub your dirty hands all over the sneeze guard. Don’t stop until you’re positive that you’ve left your mark. Try and encourage your kids to mimic you, as well. The management at Subway is very picky about the appearance of the sneeze guard, and whenever they happen to find it looking anything short of crystal clean, an employee gets yelled at.

When it comes time to add the vegetables to your sub, list them all off in one breath. If possible, combine all the words into one quick, unintelligible noise. “Lettuce, tomato, onions, and green peppers” should become “lets-om-on-peppers”. When asked to repeat yourself, shout the names of the vegetables out as though speaking to a deaf two-year old behind sound-proof glass. The more condescension in your voice, the better. When the employee asks if you want anything else on your sub, say “no”. Wait until the sub has been wrapped and bagged to stare incredulously at the person and demand to know whether or not they put the dressing you wanted on it. When they say that you didn’t say to put any dressing on it, tell them to unwrap the sub and add eight different kinds of condiments. It’s not your fault that the employee wasn’t able to receive the telepathic message you sent to them saying what dressing you wanted. It’s their fault, because they’re young and stupid and trying to put themselves through college. Indeed, you are superior to them in every way, shape, and form. Be sure to have the expression on your face convey the fact that you know this.

When it finally comes time to eat, spread you and everyone you came with, including the mob of children, out among four or five different tables. Make sure that everyone at every table tries very hard not to let any bit of the food actually enter their mouths. It’s much better off on the table and on the floor. Don’t let anyone pick up any wrappers or empty drink cups. Instead, leave them strewn across the tables and chairs. This will ensure that the employees are still miserable, even after you’ve gone.

If you are able to follow these steps, you should have no problem becoming a traditional Subway customer. Do not get discouraged if you do not completely succeed the first time. Treating those Subway employees masquerading as fellow human beings with such little respect is difficult at first. Just remember that practice makes perfect!"

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Quoted from mmac:

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The forgot the part where the "sandwich artist" can't even cut your 12 inch sub in half correctly, and then gives you a dirty look for asking them to cut the sandwich all the way through.

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Quoted from neon:

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Quoted from mmac:

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The forgot the part where the "sandwich artist" can't even cut your 12 inch sub in half correctly, and then gives you a dirty look for asking them to cut the sandwich all the way through.

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Because to tell you the truth we don't care about your sandwich experiance.

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Quoted from Sandamnit:

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I always make it a point to call them "sandwich artist" whenever at all possible. I find that name hilarious and demeaning.

"Hello, sandwich artist, I'd like a Cold Cut Combo this afternoon."

"Thank you, sandwich artist."

I used to want to work at Subway, but then I realized how demeaning it is actually having to interact with customers, so I decided to get a job at Pizza Hut as a cook. Never had to interact with customers, so albeit I hated my job, I didn't hate it as much.

Sandwich artists. That's hilarious.

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Quoted from Dante:

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I went to Subway last week, and the Mexican guy behind the counter didn't know all the names of the condiments yet, so I just had to point to the ones I wanted.

He was nice though, so I gave him a big tip. Thirty four cents is a lot in Mexico!

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Quoted from STFU:

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Quoted from Sandamnit:

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I always make it a point to call them "sandwich artist" whenever at all possible. I find that name hilarious and demeaning.

"Hello, sandwich artist, I'd like a Cold Cut Combo this afternoon."

"Thank you, sandwich artist."

I used to want to work at Subway, but then I realized how demeaning it is actually having to interact with customers, so I decided to get a job at Pizza Hut as a cook. Never had to interact with customers, so albeit I hated my job, I didn't hate it as much.

Sandwich artists. That's hilarious.

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well..you see...i program and run an internet forum.....

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Quoted from Sandamnit:

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Oh. I get it! Good one, man! I'm totally zinged on that one.

I hope you get some neon-cred for that, because you earned it.

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Quoted from Sandamnit:

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Oh man, INTL frontpage. You're so fresh. You should seriously consider taking your act on the road, because you've got talent.

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