Air Bud
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Some plants even masturbate into their own vaginas in order to reproduce.
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Posts: 6785 (0.947)
Reg. Date: Sep 2001
Location: TEH INTARNET!
Gender: Male |
(Originally posted on: 07-20-04 07:35:23 AM)
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Chapter One: Introduction and Initial Impressions
"I'm not sure we should board this plane," Josh said as we got off the bus at O'Hare, "This just seems like it's a bad idea."
"Well, we're too far to turn back now," I replied, hesitantly. I honestly agreed with him though. I was succumbed by absolute fear and loathing as we ventured our way to Las Vegas. Would this be the last time I would ever see home? How much money would I spend gambling? Will I ever be able to tell anyone how I spent my weekend in Vegas? These were all questions that I pondered on the hour wait at the airport and the four-hour plane ride to the Las Vegas airport.
As the plane touched down, I suddenly felt a warmth flush over me as if I had come to a place of great reputation and esteem. However, as I made my way to the baggage claim, I was astonished at the tackiness of the whole experience. Was I really witnessing this or was I simply hallucinating? Slot machines in an airport baggage claim area? This simply cannot be. However, I was mistaken. Sadly mistaken. I bare witness to the most pathetic scourge on the planet as I stood there waiting at the carousel for my baggage as I watched 40-somethings, 50-somethings, 60-somethings, even 70-somethings with the assistance of their motored wheelchairs pump quarter after quarter into the slot machines nearby.
Throughout my life, I had never really been exposed to people who had gambling problems. I simply didn't know that so many people had such itchy wallets and pockets that they felt the desire to pump quarters and nickels and pennies, and even fifty dollar bills into slot machines; however, growing up in Indiana, you don't see much of that, aside from the Friday night Poker that my brother occasional has with his friends or the Bunko my mother participates in monthly to win prizes for a $20 fee. However, now people of all ages were surrounding me, all with the same goal in mind: they wanted to make it rich.
Josh and I waited around the airport for his cousin to show up; however, being impatient, coupled with the intense desire to get the hell out of there, we decided to hop a shuttle to the hotel, The Imperial Palace, where we would stay for the next four nights, Thursday through Sunday nights. It was what we expected, a casino lobby, filled to the brim with people yanking monotonously at the arm of a slot machine. The atmosphere sounded as if a thousand stereos were softly playing a thousand songs by a thousand artists similar to that of Squarepusher and Aphex Twin on repeat, ad nauseum. It was simply breathtaking. At this point, we were simply eager to drop off our bags and get to the room.
After dropping off our bags, Josh's cousin, Chris, calls and after wandering around the hotel's labyrinth-like layout, which was no doubtedly designed by a seven-year old child, we meet up with him. We take him up to the room, then head out wander the town and get familiar with the layout and structure, which consisted of a seemingly infinite string of flashing lights, casinos, and Mexicans handing out little cards with strippers on them, sensibly censored with tiny pinholes and asterisks over their nipples and vaginas. After running into a few people from the Something Awful boards, who identified themselves by pathetically saying, "Internet!" as we walked by them, we found that there were two events going on Thursday night: the buffet at the Bellagio's or sushi at some random place that I can't remember the name of. We decided to head to the Bellagio hotel.
After walking around for what seemed like an eternity, we finally made it to the Bellagio, at which point we discovered an insanely long line, which we weren't quite up to waiting in. After all, the buffet at the Bellagio is $30. Not cheap at all. We turned back and headed back to the Imperial Palace; all three of us were both hungry and tired, so we decided to head back. Josh, having tried to contact Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka for the last two hours, finally gets in contact with him and we head off to the Aladdin to meet up with him. Half an hour later, we finally intersect with him.
Not two minutes into the conversation, Rich turns to Josh and says with blunt honesty, "you're lousy in real life."
"Thanks, Rich!" Josh responds.
I stand there silently.
We all then head back to the Imperial Palace for some Subway. We finally arrive and get in line to order food, when Rich comes up to us and decides to head back to the hotel to get some sleep. We all trade pleasantries, then get our subs, eat our subs, then head back to the hotel, and go to sleep.
We weren't quite sure what was to come the following day, but we were certain that it would be something that we would never forget, regardless of whether or not we wanted to or not.
To be continued...
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