New Emp
From this day forward, Emp House is on Dodecatuple-Secret Probation.
I am dead.
Ballkicks: (+392 / -180)
Posts: 2981 (0.433)
Reg. Date: Dec 2001
Location: Ithaca, NY
Gender: Male |
(Originally posted on: 04-03-04 02:29:02 PM)
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[in order of learning them]
- black people tailgate. a lot.
- people with rhode island license plates are really nice. vermont not so much. ontario people are total assholes.
- there are a lot of historic Civil War battlefields in the South, but where are all the historic World War II battle sites? huh? (note: this one is actually question, sorry)
- ace of base is great to lissen to in the car
- off ramps are fun
- lottery billboards are not very exciting if the jackpot is kind of a small number
- george bush is really popular among trucks
- somewhere in south carlina is a Yolanda M. White Crosswalk. isn't that oxymoronic, "Yolanda M. White?"
- apparently bridges get frozen and this is important
- south carolina has a lot of country radio stations, but not so much R&B and hip hop though
- truck cabs without a cargo hold attached look like they're transporting an invisible truck
- south carolinians are really nice
"thank you kindly"
"you're mighty welcome, ma'am"*
*actual conversation
- drawing while driving is hard
- georgia state troopers are stupid
you know why i pulled you over?"
"oh shit, you forgot? Well we're screwed then 'cause I didn't write it down either."
- the people who buy billboards in virginia must really like fetuses. jesus, too
- the following things exist:
* billy graham parkway
* strom thurmond memorial highway
* robert e. lee street
- even bad coffee can be made good with half-and-half and sugar
- souhteners build cities in dumb places.
- traffic sure is bad for a place like the goddamn South
- honking is easily misinterpreted. this is how feelings get hurt.
- driving makes your neck hurt. also butt.
- In some cities all the road names resemble people you know. this is upsetting.
NEXT EXIT
CARLA STREET
to
SANDAMNIT RD.
- off-ramps are very fun, but also scary.
- when passing a car wreck it is customary to lower your SUV's antenna flag to half-mast. also customary is driving really slow and holding up the whole goddamn interstate
- smashmouth is good I-95 music
- florida cars cannot handle virginia weather. same applies to florida jackets
- driving on the shoulder is a guilty pleasure
- perhaps tailgaters did not get much affection as children, so they overcompensate for it by getting too close to other cars. also maybe they're just assholes
- every depeche mode song sounds like a horrible car crash, so don't play it while driving or else you'll keep thinking someone just hit you
- do trucking companies require truck drivers to take some sort of application test, or do they just flag down poor drivers on the highway and go up to them and tell them they "got what it takes?"
- good thing that sign was there to ifnform me about the wide load.
- i did not see any police officers or state trooper in hte entire state of south carolina. i assume it is lawless.
- north carolina interstates need more lanes.
- yes, i am the hero who let everyone into the middle lane after the left lane ended. and now, motorist, i must be off, for there is a school bus somewhere at a stop sign trying to turn into a busy highway and i am needed
- empty road construction sites with the ground all torn up and dormant, unmanned cranes still holding girders are pretty much what things will look like after all the humans are dead
- in china, all of the lanes contain an equal amount of cars, and nobody ever changes lanes or passes. on hte flipside, though, there's a lot of corruption.
- in gridlock, a good idea is to not move for a while and then, once there's a big space in front of you, go and have yourself a leisurely litle drive
- honking shall only be used as a last resort. that is, after waving has failed.
- alas, my radio presets are ineffectual in this alien land
- it must cost money to have your business be placed on one of those blue "this exit" signs that tell you what hotels or food places are in an exit. else everyone would just be saying their homes are hotels or ssomething, demanding that the government place signs for "penis ass inn" or "jake loves brenda gas station" or something.
- it's okay to let your left foot take over the pedals if your right one gets tired, but only for a little while
- trucks that actually go fast on the interstate are like cool substitute teachers who let you talk all period
- i flash my blinker at opposing traffic to signal that a cop car is coming up even when there isn't one coming, because, hey, obeying traffic laws isn't something you do just when you think you might get caught if you don't. it's good to keep motorists on their toes.
true anecdote there was a rubberneck on I-95, so I figured I'd avoid it by taking an exit. but the exit was like a 1/2 mile away, so I went to the right and I saw some other people driving on the shoulder towards it, so I went to the shoulder too and drove towards it but then they went back into traffic and I didn't know why, and then I heard this siren and a cop car was coming behind me, so I pulled onto the grass with this other car, but the cop car didnt stop to give me a ticket. it just drove off, and the other car left, so I waited a minute and then left, and then a half mile later, i saw the accident, and that's where the cop car went. it was pretty bad, both cars were upside-down. and i saw the officer there kind of shaking his head, and i thought "score no ticket." justin: 1 georgia: 0
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[Regarding Martha Stewart] "I'll be able to sleep easier knowing that another motivated, powerful woman is off the streets." - ibidem
This reply was last edited on 04-03-04 02:35:56 PM by New Emp.
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