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New Emp
From this day forward, Emp House is on Dodecatuple-Secret Probation.

I am dead.

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(Originally posted on: 09-14-04 12:37:07 AM)
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Hi everybody! It's great to be back here on the INTL, and it's wonderful to be in New York, too. During all that time I was gone, I've been busy sharpening my hurricane-related observational humor and trying desperately to find hip emo friends in Ithaca so we can make sarcastic remarks with each other and drink coffee and smoke and LiveJournal together because it's cool. (Update on that: Mission accomplished!)

Now, I know a lot of you all are skeptical about the prospects of me coming back to the INTL. And that's reasonable, considering I've personally ruined a lot of your lives. But remember the good times we had. Like when a Mo Rocca fanjournal crowned me an emo god. Or when I pretended to be nice and boring and people believed it. Or when I tried to sell Brittany on eBay. Those were damn good times!

For my opening salvo to you all, I have prepared a brief photologue. See, I recently attended a musical concert, and while waiting for the show to start, I killed time by taking photos of my emokomrades. Here are the results. Their narrated, so you can understand it better.



I must say, that 80s-style, Flashdance-chic white headband uniquely compliments those thick rims.



This guy was here with some indie-music comrades pretty early, and right off the bat, I knew he was the Alpha Emo. Honestly, I felt the urge to prostrate before him and recant my sins.



Box glasses, though otherwise wore the clothes of a normal.



"Emo? Why yes, I am emo!"



Thick glasses and converses with shorts and no socks. Longish black hair flowing back on a quasi-oriental. This is some solid emo.



Now, a lot of you might think that this is a misfire, that ol' Emp made a mistake, hit "capture" too soon, and is now bullshitting you by trying to feed you what is obviously not an emo. Well, this would be a tough call for a lot of guys, but I had it down easy.

For starters, no, a strait-laced country boy wasn't attending this concert on the green to see what all the ruckus was about.

Although not exactly discernable from this photograph, this man had the thickest rims here. Disregard the crew-cut (yes, by the way, his stern countenance matched the haircut): this is a clear example of extreme irony. Besides, would West Point have the physique of a vain, mentally-disturbed 14-year-old girl? This kid is definitely emo.

(For those of you who couldn't tell from just this photo, note that I also had the benefit of observing his awkward, anti-social, internally-depressed behaviour at this affair.)

(Update This kid's in my government class, and he makes a point to sit next to me each lecture. Is he gay or something? Help please. :-()



I had to take another photo of my favourite subject. Here, we can clearly see his strikingly beautiful emo sweetheart, clad in an ironic top and powerful Converses. And just look at their matching androgynous haircuts! Clearly, these two deserve to be on the cover of every magazine ever.



Sorry for the poor shot, but suffice it to say this girl was emo. She had thick frames, and, appearing to be some sort of mulatto, a tres emo haircut. Her mismatched clothes, including red sneakers and red suspenders, serve as more evidence to the fact.



Thick rims, low converses, ironic polkadotted skirt (brings a certain Brittany to mind), and hair like Janet Reno. Also, very milky skin, no doubt from being self-sequestered inside windowless rooms, listening to the same Bright Eyes track six over and over again while crying just a little each time.

You are emo.



Thick rims are a check, pink low converses are a check too. Not much on ironic or faux-preppy fashion, however. And a somewhat reasonable haircut. As the photo indicates, this girl has attitude. But that's still not enough for her to escape the emo orbit. She's not yet an individual--she's still an emo.



Can't hear what they're saying? Allow me to fill in the bubbles.

Emoboy: So I'm thinking about writing my graduate thesis!
Emogirl: On what?
Emoboy: My sheer intellectual power and good taste!
Emogirl: Thus I am yours forever!
Emoboy: [takes a small drag and coughs]

(N.B. -- the girl had wire rims, and they're both wearing sandals. However, the smoking, the hair, and the dual emo-association stick them both on the emo side of the border.)



YEEEEEEEE-HAW! Now that's an emo! This crazy bastard was one of my best finds of the afternoon.

He is a highly typical specimen. The haircut, the wire frames, the fucking converses, the polo shirt with the sunglasses clinging to the collar, and the the airband and bracelets to which he attaches meaning deeper than you or I or any other mere mortal could comprehend. (Just kidding of course, I can still comprehend the depths of his meaning.)

And I was so fortunate to get him in such a distinctive pose, a stance of hesitation and faux-apathy, a position of palpable unease and anxiety.

Who wouldn't care to spend an evening in a cigarette parlour with this man, delving into why his ex-girlfriend should take him back, or how he bought his watch at the mall, which he went to once with his ex-girlfriend? Or maybe it wasn't that same particular mall, but he did go to a mall with her once, and that's what counts.



ohhhhh yeah

--

After taking photos of all the emos I could reasonably capture, I still had some space left in my camera, so I took some photos of some guys on a stage.






(On this song, the fat one started bouncing up and down while the anaemic one chattered about birdhouses.)

That's all for now! Stay tuned for next week, when I take more photos of emos and make fun of them while being an emo myself! Good night!
Pascal
The Alpha Nerd

I love you, but why must you love the law?

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Reply 1 of 63 (Originally posted on: 09-14-04 12:41:40 AM)
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Quote:
Or when I pretended to be nice and boring and people believed it.

I didn't believe it.

Neither did Stormy.
New Emp
From this day forward, Emp House is on Dodecatuple-Secret Probation.

I am dead.

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Reply 2 of 63 (Originally posted on: 09-14-04 12:42:09 AM)
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Quoted from Pascal:
Quote:
Or when I pretended to be nice and boring and people believed it.

I didn't believe it.

Neither did Stormy.


supersleuths
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...moved to Idaho?

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Reply 3 of 63 (Originally posted on: 09-14-04 12:49:04 AM)
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Welcome back, fucker.

We should fight some more for old times sake i'm a serial-killer :)


EDIT: Yes, I know I have a poster of a hot dog on my wall. I also have one of a can of asparagus for 33 cents. I got them from Sav-A-Lot. They are the only posters you can buy with food stamps.
"She had dyed red hair, a forest green dress, and a pair of kitchen knives. She was the last time I ever saw a rose."

"We all have the same thing. One lifetime.
New Emp
From this day forward, Emp House is on Dodecatuple-Secret Probation.

I am dead.

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Reply 4 of 63 (Originally posted on: 09-14-04 01:27:58 AM)
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Quote:
EDIT: Yes, I know I have a poster of a hot dog on my wall. I also have one of a can of asparagus for 33 cents. I got them from Sav-A-Lot. They are the only posters you can buy with food stamps.


that about sums up any jokes i could've hoped to make

carry on, then
Baggy_Brad
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Cool.

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Reply 5 of 63 (Originally posted on: 09-14-04 01:33:46 AM)
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Hi emp.

Brad's Wintry Journal 2
kham
you're a cigarette!

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Reply 6 of 63 (Originally posted on: 09-14-04 01:38:52 AM)
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They Might Be Giants!

The sheer fact that you saw they perform overshadows this thread for any redeeming qualities it might possess.
Imperialist
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[sarcasm]few words[/sarcasm]

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Reply 7 of 63 (Originally posted on: 09-14-04 01:46:21 AM)
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What is this 'emo' you speak of?
NUTTY INDUSTRIES
MystiqueX

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Reply 8 of 63 (Originally posted on: 09-14-04 02:42:44 AM)
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Good observations....absolutly halarious big grin
asthetik
I SHOULD READ THE HALL OF REJECTS MORE OFTEN!

making jabs at each other is what the internet is for you fucking idiots. oh, and for stealing things.

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Reply 9 of 63 (Originally posted on: 09-14-04 05:36:25 AM)
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'Hi I'm new' thread

ban
You pick up this working girl who's hooked on smack, who hustles and scores, that's all I do she says, she says 10 bucks for head, 15 for half and half, she says, 3 hits a day at 35 per. You say thats 7 tricks a day at least but she says, sometimes I get lucky, once this guy gives me a bill and a half just to eat me, only time I ever came. You figure you can save her, you sell your color TV that keeps her off the streets a whole day, you hawk your typewrighter for one jolt, then your shotgun, your watch, a week later you say listen I'm a little short, but she says no scratch, no snatch. You say look, it is better to give, but she says, be gone - creep. One night they spot you on the street in your skivvies, tryin to sell your shoes. You tell them who you are but they nail you, then she happens by and she says, Christ you look fucked, she says, hang tough. But you don't say anything.

You just think what a bum wrap for a nice sensitive guy like me.
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Reply 10 of 63 (Originally posted on: 09-14-04 05:38:49 AM)
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Quoted from MystiqueX:
Good observations....absolutly halarious big grin

Hey, now he can sleep with you!
we didn't start the fire
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Reply 11 of 63 (Originally posted on: 09-14-04 06:46:44 AM)
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Emp, congratulations. You are both interesting and unique.
God of Rock, thank you for this chance to kick ass. We are your humble servants. Please give us the power to blow people's minds with our high voltage rock. In your name we pray, Amen.
bother

LBH was here.

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Reply 12 of 63 (Originally posted on: 09-14-04 07:34:17 AM)
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stop making fun of my friends. MAGUSMAGUSMAGUSMAGUS
Air Bud
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Reply 13 of 63 (Originally posted on: 09-14-04 07:35:04 AM)
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Making fun of emos, now that's a new concept. What's next, I wonder?
No.
antpocas
"Sex is not dating."
"If it were, Santana and I would be dating.


GLEEK

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Reply 14 of 63 (Originally posted on: 09-14-04 07:55:42 AM)
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Quoted from New Emp:
Or when I tried to sell Brittany on eBay.
Didn't Fisher buy her?
New Emp
From this day forward, Emp House is on Dodecatuple-Secret Probation.

I am dead.

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Reply 15 of 63 (Originally posted on: 09-14-04 08:18:04 AM)
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Quoted from asthetik:
'Hi I'm new' thread

ban


wtf why ru all so uptight here??? :-(
I've been looking at these pictures of you
that I almost believe that they're real
I've been living so long with my pictures of you
that I almost believe that the pictures are all I can feel
Amphytrite
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I don't really even like hearing about it or reading about it

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Reply 16 of 63 (Originally posted on: 09-14-04 09:37:29 AM)
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Quote:
Like when a Mo Rocca fanjournal crowned me an emo god.

Blatant lie. That one girl did. The rest of us just thought you sort of resembled him.
Asthetik's musictalk bitch, serving the world of progressive house 24/7.

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Proud recipient of the Crown of Coronets of the Southern Hemisphere.
Tazzo
teh TEH evar EVAR funnay FUNNAY :rolleyes:

When a couple of kids who were up to good started making trouble in my neighborhood

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Reply 17 of 63 (Originally posted on: 09-14-04 10:01:23 AM)
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Before we'd seen your picture, any of those kids could have easily been you (including the girls)


Edit: especially the girls
MystiqueX

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Reply 18 of 63 (Originally posted on: 09-14-04 11:46:59 AM)
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Quoted from Vervet:
Quoted from MystiqueX:
Good observations....absolutly halarious big grin

Hey, now he can sleep with you!



-Im sorry for whatever he has done to you...you poor thing.
Baggy_Brad
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Cool.

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Reply 19 of 63 (Originally posted on: 09-14-04 11:54:44 AM)
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So Emp now that you have found some real emos how long do you think it will take for them to realise that you are not a real emo? Do you think they'll get mad?

Brad's Wintry Journal 2
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Reply 20 of 63 (Originally posted on: 09-14-04 11:57:15 AM)
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Wait, wait, Emp is back? When did this happen?
Only the dead have seen the end of war.
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Reply 21 of 63 (Originally posted on: 09-14-04 12:04:18 PM)
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Quoted from Sandamnit:
Making fun of emos, now that's a new concept. What's next, I wonder?

We're making fun of goths and furries next, aren't we? omg yah rite fag lol
kayte
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Reply 22 of 63 (Originally posted on: 09-14-04 12:40:15 PM)
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I learned from this thread that the main requirement for being branded emo has been and always will be black rimmed glasses, no matter how varied the rest of your attire.
emtilt

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Reply 23 of 63 (Originally posted on: 09-14-04 02:49:06 PM)
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WAIT WAIT WAIT

Is that They Might Be Giants? If so, I now envy you for having had the opportunity to see them.
sophisticated fuck princess please LEAVE ME alone
New Emp
From this day forward, Emp House is on Dodecatuple-Secret Probation.

I am dead.

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Reply 24 of 63 (Originally posted on: 09-14-04 06:36:59 PM)
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Quote:
Is that They Might Be Giants? If so, I now envy you for having had the opportunity to see them.


Well, I envy you for having your house flooded, so that makes us pretty even.

Quoted from kayte:
I learned from this thread that the main requirement for being branded emo has been and always will be black rimmed glasses, no matter how varied the rest of your attire.


No no no no no, there are several other factors at play. I'd explain them to you, but they're far too deep and symbolic for someone like you to understand.
I've been looking at these pictures of you
that I almost believe that they're real
I've been living so long with my pictures of you
that I almost believe that the pictures are all I can feel
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