Username [Register?]: | Password [Lost Password?]: Save Password?
Bottom of Page
INTL v5.0 > Discussion Forums > The "Song A Day" Thread Forum > Tale of the Vomitting Death Queen (and other Roommate Stories) > Viewing Thread
Also Here: 1 guest. Moderated by: D drahnier
Page: [ 1 2 ] [ Thread Views: 3169 | Total Posts: 34 ]
Rate This Thread: Reply to Thread | Create New Thread | Create New Poll | Convert To Poll | Subscribe To Thread
INTL Janitorial Services
Administrator

honestly i probably have Crohn's disease and should see a doctor

Ballkicks: (+360 / -80)
Posts: 1784 (0.26)
Reg. Date: Dec 2001
Location: My Pants
Gender: Female
(Originally posted on: 03-14-09 10:18:02 PM)
Edit Post | Edit History | Send PM | Change Title | Reply w/Quote | Report Post | Ignore | Show All Posts

The Townhouse, 2007

2007, college graduation, lease in the university apartments expires. Time to move out.

I moved into a townhouse near the edge of campus. I still had some friends that were going to school, and the place was cheap. $525 per month, all bills paid, access to the master bedroom and the private bedroom. It would serve me well for a few months. I shared this place with several other people, who we will call Clumsy, Dell Dude, and Katana.

Clumsy earned his named for being, well, clumsy. Indeed you will understand after reading a few of the stories below.

Katana was obsessed with anime, swords, Dungeons and Dragons, 4chan, and anything else fantasy related. Despite having the odds stacked against him, Katana ended up being a fairly cool dude who shaved, showered, and cleaned up his own shit. I still talk to him in the present.

Dell Dude requires a little more explanation. Long before I moved in, Dell Dude had tried to start a computer service business. He rented out some office space, built up an inventory, opened his shop, and began serving the general public for all of their computing needs. I don't know how long this business of his lasted, but I do know that when it failed, all of his inventory had to be moved out of the office space and into the only available space anywhere in the entire god damn city - the townhouse garage.

Townhouse Garage

I first saw The Garage in winter of 2006, while visiting the house for the first time. The Garage is what one might have gotten if a Best Buy fucked an AutoZone and then aborted the spawn sometime within the first trimester. Amid the mass of broken TV sets, old computers, network cables, power adaptors, car engines, transmission casings, trash, furniture, tools, blinky fans, and other random shit, there sat an old 1987 Honda hatchback that had most likely not moved under its own power since Clinton was in office.

Dell Dude moved out a few days after I moved in, leaving this gigantic mess for someone else to clean up.

For some reason, Dell Dude still felt compelled to hold on to all of this junk and wouldn't let anyone throw it away. His parents owned the property so we (Clumsy, Katana, and myself) couldn't just haul it all down to the dumpster and then claim ignorance. I made an attempt to rearrange the garage so that I could at least store some trash bags full of garbage in there, but it was alot like trying to "fix" a Tetris game that had been stacked to the top of the screen.

The full pallet of old Dell desktops was a large part of the problem, as was the dead Honda, so I hatched a plan.

I called and pleaded with Dell Dude.

TPC: coal
Dell Dude: vvvvvvvvvvvvvvv

coal What of this stuff can we throw away?
vvvvvvvvvvvvvvv None of it. I don't want any of it thrown away.
coal Can we use any of it while you're gone?
vvvvvvvvvvvvvvv I don't really care what you use, just don't throw anything that still works into the trash.
coal Wait, so, if it doesn't work, we can throw it away?
vvvvvvvvvvvvvvv Sure, if you want to sort all my crap out for me, go ahead.

So, the next morning, my roommates and I were chunking computers, monitors, keyboards, and whatever else we could find out the second story window of the townhouse:



Despite our best efforts, we still couldn't get enough of the garage cleaned out for it to of any use to us. Nobody ever found out that we had trashed a bunch of old Pentium III desktops, or maybe they just didn't care. Still, if you ever have the oppurtunity to drop a computer out of a second story window, I recommend you do so, just for lulz.

Some people, though, aren't coordinated enough to perform complex tasks such as the one I just described. Instead of dropping the computer, they try to throw it and end up ripping the screen off the window.

Enter Clumsy

I don't use the name "Clumsy" to ridicule the guy that I'm describing. Everyone has their quirks. Clumsy was, and still is, known as someone who lacks accurate motor control. This is a fact. Here is some evidence.

One delightful evening I was sitting in my bedroom enjoying my nightly dose of some stupid computer game. The rest of the house was fairly quiet. It was late, and just as I began to nod off, I heard a crash of clutter and junk from another room.

"WHAT the FUCK"

Then, there was some scuffling, and a few minutes later, another crash.

"FUCK!"

I walked down the hallway to the next door, where I found Clumsy sitting in a pile of books, papers, clothes, and what looked like pieces of particle board. His laptop was flipped over upside down on the floor.

coal "What the fuck happened?"
vvvvvvvvvvvvvvv "My fucking bookcase fell apart, man!"

Clumsy had a history of using furniture for things said furniture was not designed for. In this case, he had purchased an Ikea bookcase, some cheap-o 3 shelf model, packed all of his books into it (packed, as in, stuffed, as in, pressurized), slammed his laptop down on top of it, pulled a chair up to it, and began using it as a desk. The force of the tightly packed books pushing outwards combined with the weight of Clumsy leaning on it, plus the OCD motions that Clumsy would often make (tapping of foot, hand, fingers, whatever) was too much for the bookcase. The aluminum studs ripped out of their sockets, and the entire thing collapsed directly into Clumsy's lap.

That was the first crash.

Clumsy decided that even though the bookcase had been destroyed under the load, he still needed to "make it last" and reconstructed it. To no one's suprise except Clumsy's, the bookcase self-destructed again.

We chunked the entire mess into the dumpster the next day, and Clumsy went back to using a desk, like everyone else.

Katana Pillow and the Vomitting Gothic Death Queen

Like I said before, Katana was an interesting fellow. Despite his interests and the swirling disaster of general disorganization that seemed to follow him like Pigpen's dirt cloud, Katana was a very likable person. We call him "Katana" because he owned at least a dozen katanas, and "Pillow" because his middle name was Pillow. It just rolls off the tongue.

At this point in time I was living in the master bedroom, which was located at the end of the second floor hallway directly across from the laundry room. Several months prior, I had swapped the light bulb in the laundry room out with a red bulb for Halloween. On this particular evening in December of 2007, that light was on, painting everything in that end of the hallway a lovely violent red.

I was sitting in the darkness of my room, spending some time with another stupid video game. I had lost track of time and was roused from my trance upon the realization that my drinking glass was quite empty, which was entirely unacceptable. I paused the game, pushed my chair back, stood up, walked to my door, unlocked it, and opened it.

I noticed two things immediately - one, my path was blocked by some sort of person-shaped thing, and this thing had several very sharp blades for hands. As the adrenaline poured into my bloodstream, time slowed down.

Yes, it was probably human, and yes, those really are blades where his/her fingers should be. I could see bits and pieces of shiny metal dotted around the exterior of the form, where the red light was refracting or shining through - various rings and piercings. My eyes adjusted and began to pick up on the details. It wore a black leather jacket, black leather pants, a red undershirt of some kind, knee-high leather boots, and fishnet stockings.

It held its bladed hand up and asked a question.

"Isn't this sexy?"

I shall call her Gothic Death Queen, or just Death Queen for short, since that seems to paint the appropriate picture in everyone's mind. She was Asian/American blend. She wore black lipstick, had nails painted black, wore 4 lbs of mascara (per eye) and had red highlight streaks through her black hair. She also had metal in every piece of exposed skin, and I have no doubt that there was plenty more under her clothes, as well.

Oddly enough, she's one of the nicest people I've ever met in my life. I've met a few real Goths in my time and they never fail to break the stereotype of being introverted assholes. All of them have been cordial and accepting... torwards me, at least.

Now that you understand the main character, I shall tell the story.

Death Queen, her boyfriend, and Katana spent a few nights together, mostly playing Dungeons and Dragons and polishing off a few bottles of Vodka. Boyfriend and Katana would get lit pretty quick, start throwing dice at eachother, and then wildly swipe the coffee table clean of any figurines or maps, whereas Death Queen maintained her sober composure.

That is, until she started eating Bugles. You know, those little cone-shaped corn chip things.

I don't really know what Bugles are made of, but apparently they contain some sort of anti-Asian compound that lies dormant and harmless until it is activated by ethanol. These two chemicals combined with a food allergy results in massive gas and an incredible urge to vomit, which is exactly what happened.

Boyfriend, Katana and I were talking about something of no consequence when the first spurt erupted unannounced and landed on the coffee table.

All conversation immediately stopped as we tried to process what had just happened. After a moment of silence and confusion, Death Queen burped and then frantically scrambled up from the couch. She stopped about halfway through her ascent and started doing the cricket-pump thing, wretched and burping and coughing while trying to keep her balance. Boyfriend, Katana, and myself went in three different directions in an effort to avoid being hit by whatever was coming, but we somehow ran directly into eachother and fell across the couch and coffee table.

Death Queen stumbled past the mass of men and managed to get a few steps torwards the hallway before splashing Bugle sauce across the floor and the TV set.

Now mostly unobstructed, Death Queen ran for the front hallway bathroom, but spurted again. Now standing, Death Queen's mouth was much further from the floor relative to a sitting position. The glob of Bugle slop fell and exploded across the tile in the hallway.

The rest of it was deposited in or around the toilet in the front hall bathroom.

She was in there for a while, coughing, vomitting, burping, and then vomitting some more. I stood outside the bathroom door listening to all of this. Katana wiped up some of the vomit in the hallway while Boyfriend hung around asking things like "Sweetie? Are you okay?" between the "HUGHAGUHRUHAGRHAUGRHGAHR" noises.

The first Bugle was consumed at about 1AM. The last of the vomit was wiped up just after 4AM.

In closing: Asian + Vodka + Bugle Corn Snacks = Vomit, on-tap.

THE MORE YOU KNOW

It was the greatest night ever.

Quote:

zippo: just curious if you want us to contribute our own stories
SimTPC: You can if you like.
SimTPC: I was going for the SA-style of story telling, where the OP posts a bunch of stories and everyone else jacks off on how awesome they are
SimTPC: But this isn't SA.
SimTPC: And I'm not really that awesome. MAGUSMAGUSMAGUSMAGUS


You are the reason I post here, and that annoys me.
This reply was last edited on 03-14-09 10:36:34 PM by INTL Janitorial Services.
Zippo
pooooooop

Leveling entire cities with her magnificient girl-cock

Ballkicks: (+1097 / -49)
Posts: 5302 (0.814)
Reg. Date: Nov 2002
Location: America's Wang
Gender: Unspecified
Reply 1 of 34 (Originally posted on: 03-14-09 10:37:09 PM)
Edit Post | Edit History | Send PM | Change Title | Reply w/Quote | Report Post | Ignore | Show All Posts

You write good stories about bad roommates. I enjoyed them immensely and laughed quite heartily. Please post more, TPC, for the greater good of INTL. i'm a serial-killer :)
if you have time to read my sig you have time to post in my forum
drahnier
INTL VIP
:iceburn:

Ballkicks: (+886 / -232)
Posts: 7744 (1.146)
Reg. Date: Mar 2002
Location: purple haze
Gender: Female
Reply 2 of 34 (Originally posted on: 03-14-09 10:42:46 PM)
Edit Post | Edit History | Send PM | Change Title | Reply w/Quote | Report Post | Ignore | Show All Posts

This thread shows great promise.

I just have to link to this, because as TPC knows, it is by far the greatest fucking roommate story of all time.

http://www.wyseguys.com/shittyroomate.asp

If you haven't seen it before, make sure you don't miss all of the like 15 fucking pages.
DRAHNIER
Snook
INTL Premium Member
...

enlightening 6 year olds on the horrors of war

Ballkicks: (+247 / -65)
Posts: 3045 (0.483)
Reg. Date: Jun 2003
Location: Chi-town
Gender: Male
Reply 3 of 34 (Originally posted on: 03-14-09 11:18:06 PM)
Edit Post | Edit History | Send PM | Change Title | Reply w/Quote | Report Post | Ignore | Show All Posts

TPC you never fail to amuse me at least.

I used to work at a pita place, as many of you may recall. There were quite a few incidents there, some of which I was there for and other where I saw the security footage as we all sat around and watched 2 of our hot coworkers get naked, wrap eachother in saran wrap and then dance around giving out free food.

On of the events that stays most vividly in my mind is when we had an attempted robbery. The night started off slow. I was on the evening shit, 8PM to 3AM, and wasn't expecting much since it was sometime in the summer. Since our managers at the time were complete idiots, we ran out of pitas (I shit you not) around 10PM or so. We call our manager and ask if we can leave early, wait for the shipment tomorrow. "No, I'll drive to Ft Collins," an hour drive there and back, "and ask them for some pitas at the shop there."

OK, whatever. We get paid to sit around and do jack shit. Sweet. We put on some music, and tell eachother jokes, stories, whatever. We get a few customers, but since we can't serve them anything but salads, chips and drinks, they end up leaving quick. Someone brings up the idea of grabbing some booze (the largest liquor store in the city being next door) but that's shot down. Around 11:30 or so we start getting people who are more and more drunk/high. Apparently, there's a party somewhere nearby. At about midnight, we get 3 guys who stumble in, loudly demanding food. "Sorry, we're out of pitas." "How the ffffffcuk is this place out of pitash?" "Come back in an hour or so, our manager is getting more." "OK! We'll be BACK." Exeunt stage right.

Around 1AM our traumatic trio stumbles back in through the doorway. We tell them that there is still no word from our manager, and, with a manic grin on their faces, one of them pulls out a gun. A nerf gun. One of the smallish, bright orange ones, unloaded. Waving it menacingly in my direction, he stumbles a bit, dropping his ancient mickey mouse hat on the floor. "We KNEW you'd lie! Ha, bet you didn't think of THIS! HAND OVER THE FOOD." This was followed by a moment of silence as my coworkers and I are trying to figure out exactly what this guy and his friends' game is. "WELL?!" one of the other ones says. "Um... That's a nerf gun." "Yeah, and we're prepared to use it, BITCH."

It's at this point that we all nearly collapse with laughter. The gunman, confused, trips over his friend and falls to the ground, bringing one of the others with him, bringing on more laughter. We tell them to fuck off and throw some chips at them, and decide to call our manager, who we discover is at the party our friends came from, stoned out of his mind.
Hello my name is Kristoffer Jørgensen and I am from Norweigen I come to see hot USA girls and history landmarks!!
antpocas
"Sex is not dating."
"If it were, Santana and I would be dating.


GLEEK

Ballkicks: (+414 / -233)
Posts: 4171 (0.622)
Reg. Date: May 2002
Location: Alaska
Gender: Unspecified
Reply 4 of 34 (Originally posted on: 03-14-09 11:21:05 PM)
Edit Post | Edit History | Send PM | Change Title | Reply w/Quote | Report Post | Ignore | Show All Posts

Quoted from drahnier:
This thread shows great promise.

I just have to link to this, because as TPC knows, it is by far the greatest fucking roommate story of all time.

http://www.wyseguys.com/shittyroomate.asp

If you haven't seen it before, make sure you don't miss all of the like 15 fucking pages.
it was written by  martin random though so it is all bullshit MAGUSMAGUSMAGUSMAGUS 

quoting a post below this one now dont get too confused kids:
Quoted from Ryan:

I wish I could find it but I don't have search on SA.
neither does anybody else haha
This reply was last edited on 03-15-09 02:52:24 AM by antpocas.
drahnier
INTL VIP
:iceburn:

Ballkicks: (+886 / -232)
Posts: 7744 (1.146)
Reg. Date: Mar 2002
Location: purple haze
Gender: Female
Reply 5 of 34 (Originally posted on: 03-15-09 12:01:01 AM)
Edit Post | Edit History | Send PM | Change Title | Reply w/Quote | Report Post | Ignore | Show All Posts

Yeah i kinda figured, but it's so hilarious.

And if nothing else, it's an example of some great creative writing.
DRAHNIER
This reply was last edited on 03-15-09 12:55:23 AM by drahnier.
Ryan
Big Sausage Pizza

From west philadelphia born and raised on the playground it's said I spent most of my days

Ballkicks: (+64 / -17)
Posts: 1202 (0.238)
Reg. Date: Nov 2006
Location: Calgary
Gender: Male
Reply 6 of 34 (Originally posted on: 03-15-09 12:17:59 AM)
Edit Post | Edit History | Send PM | Change Title | Reply w/Quote | Report Post | Ignore | Show All Posts

I read this roommate story on SA once about this guy (or girl can't remember) that was infatuated with this video game and apparently ran this website where people donated money to him so he could live. It is basically a cult and all of these people come visit this house that they all live in.

I wish I could find it but I don't have search on SA.
‹just dandy› but. again. funnel aspect. I don't want anything put in there unawares. I'm no Richard Gere.
‹Purple› If it was Sunny doing it, s/he'd be pretty rough
‹just dandy› ouch. I just involuntarily clenched.
just_dandy
INTL Premium Member
Unapologetic apostate approaching her apotheosis, how apropos

Ballkicks: (+130 / -4)
Posts: 572 (0.11)
Reg. Date: Jun 2006
Location: I'm ubiquitous
Gender: Female
Reply 7 of 34 (Originally posted on: 03-15-09 01:27:02 AM)
Edit Post | Edit History | Send PM | Change Title | Reply w/Quote | Report Post | Ignore | Show All Posts

I have a roommate (call her B) whom all of my other roommates detest, and one of our roommates (call her A) from last semester actually moved because of a bunch of horrid things that happened, such as:

1. B borrowed many of A's things without asking and broke them. Denied it.

2. B was horribly messy, leaving her things strewn about and leaving piles of pubic hair (yes, we know it was her) in the bathtub, leaving .. vaginal waste and the associated products littered about the bathroom, used.

3. A is a very clean, organized person. B shoved all of her chores onto A and made huge messes. A broke out in hives. She thought it must be related to her laundry detergent, so she washed all of her clothes with new stuff, etc. The hives didn't go away. She went to the doctor, who said she was suffering from hives because she was very stressed about B, and put her on strong antidepressants.

4. B is a user. She steals food. If you catch her, she'll scream and say "It's only $__ at the store! It's not a big deal. Get over it. I'm one of five other roommates of hers. In total, if you count her TAKING MY CAR (without my permission) and using gas like water, helping herself to my food, and the pilfering of loose bills, taking things of mine she found useful of the non-edible variety, among other things, she's cost me, personally, upwards of $100. It's similar for my other roommates. I'm poor. MAGUSMAGUSMAGUSMAGUS

Things reached a head when there was an incident with room keys, in which B stole A's room key. Big deal, right? Her room key had been hidden deep inside her purse, which was hidden in a remote corner of their room. B denied it fervently, and threatened to kill us all. We wrote a letter to our RA and delivered it in person, detailing all of the issues we had with B, and we all signed it. We expressed a wish to have her evicted. blahblah meeting set up between all roommates which B avoiding by saying she was leaving town (she didn't), after which repeatedly making harassing and abusive phonecalls to A. I answered the phone at one point when B's friend (C, for cunt), called to harass A some more, calling A a liar, insisting that nothing was stolen and that they could prove it.

I said that a meeting time had been set up, that B didn't show, so she'd have to wait until she got back for the weekend to discuss the matter, which ended up only exacerbating the situation when after being verbally assaulted a rather lot, I lost my cool. A sobbed so hard it sounded like she was screaming. All in all a very, very bad time full of lies and deception and B being an outright deceptive lying cunt.

At one point, B and C caught me alone, at home and proceeded to attack me verbally, threatening to be physical. I ended up sitting down and attempting to discuss the situation with them, and got sick of the whole ordealblahblah. Useless RA had much proof that B was stealing, lying, being abusive, etc. She gave B the option of moving out. B stayed.

A didn't. I'm stuck with B for the rest of this semester.

an example of the stuff that takes place with B

[usually, on sundays, my room roommate and I go to her parents' house, nearby, for dinner. I'm one of 2 roomates that have a car.]

B: Shelly, if you're going to go for dinner, you're going to have to ask to borrow D's(for other Driver)car, because I'm taking yours.
Me: Uh, no.
B: ADSKFQA)(#$Y)AEPWFH

.. anyway. I could say so much more. But this really isn't impressive and it's 2:30 am. And it's very tl;dr.
Koalas have sharp claws but they are weak. They all small and fat and they be climing trees. I hope a storm just come while theyjust chilling up in the tree thinking they is hard and they're will all just fall off. They just break they neck and shit. When they fall they claws are going to fall off and they going to be crying like some little bitches.
Stoffel
stoffel sucks; 3ms owns + is returning for round 2 lightening round bioch

Ballkicks: (+126 / -74)
Posts: 1269 (0.188)
Reg. Date: Apr 2002
Location:
Gender: Male
Reply 8 of 34 (Originally posted on: 03-15-09 06:32:39 AM)
Edit Post | Edit History | Send PM | Change Title | Reply w/Quote | Report Post | Ignore | Show All Posts

I wish I had awesome roommate stories. Unfortunately, I think I was usually the roommate stories were told about.
IF0
Administrator

Hey, I was with Mary Magdalene last night....smell my finger lol

Ballkicks: (+621 / -173)
Posts: 6751 (1.073)
Reg. Date: Jul 2003
Location: Springfield, MO
Gender: Male
Reply 9 of 34 (Originally posted on: 03-15-09 06:34:29 AM)
Edit Post | Edit History | Send PM | Change Title | Reply w/Quote | Report Post | Ignore | Show All Posts

The bad roommates I've had are just crazy or bitchy, nothing too exciting for the most part, I suppose. I tend to try and forget about them.
Ryan
Big Sausage Pizza

From west philadelphia born and raised on the playground it's said I spent most of my days

Ballkicks: (+64 / -17)
Posts: 1202 (0.238)
Reg. Date: Nov 2006
Location: Calgary
Gender: Male
Reply 10 of 34 (Originally posted on: 03-15-09 08:04:44 AM)
Edit Post | Edit History | Send PM | Change Title | Reply w/Quote | Report Post | Ignore | Show All Posts

This is what I was talking about:
http://forums.somethingawful.com/showthread.php?threadid=2934835

the original LiveJournal posts were deleted for some reason, but there are some other links in the OP.
‹just dandy› but. again. funnel aspect. I don't want anything put in there unawares. I'm no Richard Gere.
‹Purple› If it was Sunny doing it, s/he'd be pretty rough
‹just dandy› ouch. I just involuntarily clenched.
INTL Janitorial Services
Administrator

honestly i probably have Crohn's disease and should see a doctor

Ballkicks: (+360 / -80)
Posts: 1784 (0.26)
Reg. Date: Dec 2001
Location: My Pants
Gender: Female
Reply 11 of 34 (Originally posted on: 03-15-09 09:16:26 AM)
Edit Post | Edit History | Send PM | Change Title | Reply w/Quote | Report Post | Ignore | Show All Posts

Quoted from just dandy:
In total, if you count her TAKING MY CAR (without my permission)


I'm enough of a dick to report a GTA in that case. "Borrowing" small stuff is one thing but fucking with a man's car is grounds for pretty much tossing the offender into jail for the night.

I have many, many roommate stories, which is not something I ever set out to achieve. I've lived with many different people who have come from all ends of the earth. Only a handful of them were decent people. The rest ranged from annoying fuckers to complete scumbags.

Here's a quick rundown of some more things that happened with Clumsy:

-I bought a new truck and parked it outside the garage, barely touching the door. A few days later, Clumsy opened the door, which scrapped a good chunk of paint off the license plate. After seeing this, he came up with the most obvious solution to the problem: close the door again, which came down, bent the license plate, and scratched the bumper.

-We used the living room to store things, like couches and washing machines for other people. Turns out that the lip inside the washing machine door was perfect for opening beer bottles. You should try this sometime.

-Clumsy was sitting in traffic one day and started burning bits a paper in his car using the cigarette lighter. One of them got out of control, so Clumsy freaked out and dropped it directly into his crotch. He was bouncing all over the place but the seat belt held him down so he eventually just sat on the piece of paper, extinguishing the flame.

-Clumsy was in the living room one day playing with a lighter. He was burning napkins or something in his hand. One of them got out of control, so Clumsy freaked out dropped it directly onto his frayed jeans, which began to smolder. He screamed "FUCK!" at the top of his lungs and then ran screaming into the driveway/street in front of the house. I guess he managed to put this one out by himself.

-One day, Clumsy, myself, and another friend were sitting in the living room talking about random things. Clumsy was idly playing with a lighter, flicking it on and off, burning little scraps of newspaper while holding them in his hand. One of them got out of control, so Clumsy freaked out and dropped it onto the pile of newspaper on the coffee table, which immediately burst into flame. He started doing some sort of weird epileptic dance/fit with his hands, waving them about and making some sort of inhuman squawking noise. I sat there watching this for a few seconds before jumping up onto the coffee table and stomping the flames out.

After that last one I confiscated all lighters in house and locked them in my bathroom.
You are the reason I post here, and that annoys me.
IF0
Administrator

Hey, I was with Mary Magdalene last night....smell my finger lol

Ballkicks: (+621 / -173)
Posts: 6751 (1.073)
Reg. Date: Jul 2003
Location: Springfield, MO
Gender: Male
Reply 12 of 34 (Originally posted on: 03-15-09 09:24:57 AM)
Edit Post | Edit History | Send PM | Change Title | Reply w/Quote | Report Post | Ignore | Show All Posts

I think Clumsy should stop burning things.
Megan

Salamando wishes.

Ballkicks: (+53 / -19)
Posts: 179 (0.031)
Reg. Date: Nov 2004
Location:
Gender: Female
Reply 13 of 34 (Originally posted on: 03-15-09 09:55:27 AM)
Edit Post | Edit History | Send PM | Change Title | Reply w/Quote | Report Post | Ignore | Show All Posts

I live with an old lady that I'm not related to that talks to me in my sleep.
Ryan
Big Sausage Pizza

From west philadelphia born and raised on the playground it's said I spent most of my days

Ballkicks: (+64 / -17)
Posts: 1202 (0.238)
Reg. Date: Nov 2006
Location: Calgary
Gender: Male
Reply 14 of 34 (Originally posted on: 03-15-09 10:18:19 AM)
Edit Post | Edit History | Send PM | Change Title | Reply w/Quote | Report Post | Ignore | Show All Posts

I've removed any trace of lighters for when one of my friends comes over. Same with knifes. Even if he's fucking cooking, something either gets stabbed, ripped or burned when he's over, I swear.
‹just dandy› but. again. funnel aspect. I don't want anything put in there unawares. I'm no Richard Gere.
‹Purple› If it was Sunny doing it, s/he'd be pretty rough
‹just dandy› ouch. I just involuntarily clenched.
Hasty Penguin
get in the box
People are a danger to society.

there is a guy who gets it on with three girls at once and they all have amazing unibrows

Ballkicks: (+1307 / -46)
Posts: 5641 (0.841)
Reg. Date: May 2002
Location: murderbarn
Gender: Male
Reply 15 of 34 (Originally posted on: 03-15-09 10:27:46 AM)
Edit Post | Edit History | Send PM | Change Title | Reply w/Quote | Report Post | Ignore | Show All Posts

One of my roommates announces his presence every morning by letting out loud, wet farts. I'll hear him coming down the hall, enter the kitchen in his underwear, stare at me for a moment, loudly fart (sometimes two or three times), and then pause for several seconds as though he farted his awareness of who and where he is out and then come back into focus moments later, loudly grunt "GOOD MORNING." and get himself a bowl of cereal. Every morning, Monday-Saturday.

I'm not terribly bothered by this unless I'm really enjoying the quiet of the morning. Otherwise, my roommates are great and my living situation is more than decent with them.
how is this for a quote
Kitabatake
Fishing with Firecrackers

2efficient4spacebar

Ballkicks: (+450 / -46)
Posts: 2432 (0.363)
Reg. Date: May 2002
Location: San Luis Obispo, California
Gender: Male
Reply 16 of 34 (Originally posted on: 03-15-09 10:30:23 AM)
Edit Post | Edit History | Send PM | Change Title | Reply w/Quote | Report Post | Ignore | Show All Posts

haha!

I live with my girlfriend, not too many problems. Mostly little things that I ignore because the benefits outweigh the problems.
You think I like you.
But I don't like you.
I hate your guts, I hate your guts.
C
Administrator

Level 90 Ginger

Ballkicks: (+723 / -204)
Posts: 6647 (0.997)
Reg. Date: Jun 2002
Location: Missouri
Gender: Male
Reply 17 of 34 (Originally posted on: 03-15-09 02:44:59 PM)
Edit Post | Edit History | Send PM | Change Title | Reply w/Quote | Report Post | Ignore | Show All Posts

Quoted from IF0:
The bad roommates I've had are just crazy or bitchy, nothing too exciting for the most part, I suppose. I tend to try and forget about them.


Fuck you dude.

No seriously I've had some fucking crazy roommates MAGUSMAGUSMAGUSMAGUS

I'm in the process of moving into my own place with no roommates and I can't wait.
I don't have a drinking problem.
I drink, I get drunk, I fall down.
No problem.
INTL Janitorial Services
Administrator

honestly i probably have Crohn's disease and should see a doctor

Ballkicks: (+360 / -80)
Posts: 1784 (0.26)
Reg. Date: Dec 2001
Location: My Pants
Gender: Female
Reply 18 of 34 (Originally posted on: 03-16-09 12:45:19 AM)
Edit Post | Edit History | Send PM | Change Title | Reply w/Quote | Report Post | Ignore | Show All Posts

Fucking CRAZY roommates? Shit-eating, fake-religion following complete wastes of life?

I don't have any of those, sorry. My experiences pale in comparison to what Martin Random made up, or that crazy fake priest girl.

I have another story. This one involves the police, an ambulance, a fire truck, grand theft auto (the crime, not the game), blood, more blood, and some crazy guy that I found sleeping in the living room one day. This happened long before The Townhouse, when I was attending a different college.

DISCLAIMER: This shit happened 5 years ago, so I'm not going to remember every tiny exact detail about everything. I've told this story before so if you feel compelled to jump up and say "nuh-uh in 2006 you said it happened like THIS" then kindly go fuck yourself.

The Tale of Cletus, Lexus, and the Mysterious Random Guy That Slept on Our Couch Sometimes

Prologue

It was summer of 2004.

2004 was a pretty good year for me. I moved into a freshly-built on-campus apartment complex that was very centrally located to everything. I had a working shower (with hot water!) that I only had to share with one other person, as opposed to six broken showers (cold or luke-warm water) shared with about 40 other people. At the end of the spring semester I found myself with good grades, one good roommate, a free summer, a somewhat new computer, a copy of Unreal Tournament 2004, and a fridge full of Diet Coke, Lime Flavored. Life was good.

Before I really start to dig into the main story, I will tell you about this apartment. Here is a diagram:



This apartment was on the first floor.

This extremely crude drawing gives you an idea of how things were laid out. My bedroom didn't have much stuff in it - just a desk, a bed, and my computer. Cletus' bedroom was an absolute disaster. Admin's bedroom was somewhere between my own and Cletus' in terms of organization. I never got a good look at the inside of Lexus' bedroom.

But TPC, who are these crazy people you're talking about?

I shall tell you.

Cletus - A good ol' boy from dow' Sow, lookin' to git hisself an edumacation. He fulfilled the stereotype to the fullest. He had the crazy psycho face, almost never wore a shirt, and rarely wore shoes. He drove a rusty old 80's Chevrolet short-bed pickup. He also whistled and wooped through his window at girls passing by and let them know in no uncertain terms that he'd like to go for a roll in the hay. I'm not sure what his major was, I never bothered to ask.

Cletus and I never got along well, especially after he threatened to kill me.

Admin - Admin looks like the kind of guy that probably spent a lot of time volunteering with his high school's A/V club. After you got to know him, he seemed like the kind of guy that probably spent a lot of time volunteering with his high school's A/V club so he'd have a place to fuck all the women that were throwing themselves at him. He had a good personality and didn't do anything annoying. He cleaned up his shit, was polite, went to class, went to work, and then came home to handle whatever needed to be handled. He never whined like a bitch or acted like a douche. I wish all my roommates had been like him. It was most likely for these reasons that he was president of the campus Student Housing Association, or SHA. Whenever something needed to handled, I went to him to get it sorted out.

Lexus - I never really talked to Lexus, but I knew a lot about him. His dad was a judge and his mother was a lawyer. He was a freshman. He was driving a fully loaded 2004 Lexus LS 430. He wore his hat backwards. He had a new iMac, a new iPod, and a new Apple Airport router or whatever the fuck it's called. He had new furniture, a new wide-screen TV set, and a great big fat gold plated watch on his wrist. I didn't much care for his flippant attitude torwards the rest of us, so I just stayed out his way.

Mouse - This guy was a friend of Admin's who showed up at some point during the summer. He slept on the couch and said "fuck" a lot, but he never caused any trouble at all so I didn't care. I call him Mouse because he really looked like Mouse.

TPC - Fuck you.

Chapter 1 - Growing Pains

For the first few days, everything seemed okay. Everyone said their hellos and basically kept to themselves. As soon as school was out, my schedule changed such that I was up playing Unreal until 6AM, then sleeping, then waking again at noon to get lunch from the dining hall, and then playing another 18 hours of Unreal. I didn't participate much in what was going on with the others, so long as there wasn't a fire.

And some point in the first few weeks, Cletus and Lexus formed an unlikely alliance - they became hardcore drinking buddies. Cletus and Lexus would leave the apartment at around midnight and then stumble back in at around 5AM, crash around for a few minutes, and then finally collapse in someone's bed. Or the couch. Or in a puddle of vomit on the couch. Or in a puddle of vomit in a bed that didn't belong to either one of them.

I started keeping my door locked more often.

After a few more weeks, things started to get a little out of hand. Cletus and Lexus started leaving earlier, coming home later, and coming home more drunk than I thought was safe. Admin agreed that the situation was getting more and more serious each night, but we weren't sure what to do about it, since no rules had been broken. Yet.

On a quiet night about halfway through the summer semester, Lexus and Cletus crashed through the front door giggling like two school girls who had just fucked the football team in the boy's bathroom. I never found out what was so funny, but I became concerned when I heard the fridge door being yanked open, the rustling of plastic, the cracking of soda cans, and the microwave beeping. The next morning, Admin and I surveyed the damage - Cletus and Lexus had run out of food in their own kitchen stores, and had managed to somehow consume two boxes of my Hot Pockets, a couple cans of soda, and some other stuff that belonged to Admin without vomitting it out on the floor/stove/couch/table. Admin and I moved all of our food to our mini-fridges and abandoned the kitchen to Cletus and Lexus.

Let's stop for a moment. So far this story may seem pretty rushed. Cletus and Lexus didn't just show up and immediately start acting like assholes. There were tiny, tiny steps being made everyday torwards the inevitable meltdown that finally occurred - little things like random redneck fuckbags showing up in my living room at 2AM and throwing furniture around. Small things, like the toilet overflowing and running out into the carpeted hallway because it just couldn't cope with the aftermath of a bunch of rednecks raiding Taco Bell. Inconsequential things like vomit on the couch, or broken dishes in the kitchen, or mud tracked everywhere, or lights being left on throughout the night.

These little things that aren't worth writing about happened nearly everyday, and it was always something new. At one point someone (Cletus) sprayed green hair gel all over the bathroom mirror and cabinent, just to see "what would happen". I'll tell you what fucking happened. The shit soaked INTO THE MIRROR FINISH and left a stain that looked like The Hulk had been checking his prostate right there in our bathroom and had hit a "special" nerve. Oh, and, the cabinent also had a giant green permanent ejaculate stain across the front of it. Awesome.

The toilet really did overflow into the hallway, and as though the water was out for some kind of fucking vengance, the stain made a miraculous right-turn directly into Cletus' bedroom. I spent hours cleaning this shit up. I still remember finding bits of hamburger and partially digested lettuce in the fluid. Obviously someone had expelled the contents of their stomach on top of the already massive mountain of shit clogging the toilet.

I just dealt with it. I cleaned up whatever got broken or spilled or disheveled, and went back to playing Unreal.

Chapter 2 - The Death Threat

One fine summer evening, I was sitting in my bedroom when the front door flew open and Cletus stormed into the apartment, drunk. Lexus had stayed home that night, so Cletus had been out on his own. Admin and Mouse were sitting on the couch talking about something. Cletus interrupted them, told some stupid jokes, threw his shirt into the kitchen, broke a few beer bottles (I don't know why), and then went into his bedroom.

Admin and Mouse were pissed, and Admin was tired of dealing with this shit every night, so he decided to confront Cletus. I saw them walk past my door so I got up and joined the party. We congregated around Cletus' door - I was directly in front, Admin and Mouse were to my right and left. Admin knocked a few times and asked Cletus to come out. No response. He knocked a few more times. No response. He knocked a third time and then backed away from the door to say something to Mouse. About halfway through his sentence, the door flung open and a blast of ice cold Dr. Pepper hit me directly in the face.

Initially I was startled. I banged on the door a few times, but Cletus wouldn't show himself. I then decided the most appropriate course of action was to walk outside and bang on Cletus' window. This didn't sit to well with him. As soon as I got back inside the apartment, Cletus shoved me up against the wall and started yelling all measure of vile obscenities - up to and including "I will fucking kill you, you fucking little faggot, I will fucking break your fucking face", or something to that effect.

Admin and Mouse had backed way off, and Lexus had been roused from his slumber. The three were watching this happen but dared not step in, lest they push Cletus beyond his breaking point.

After a few more "I'll fucking kill you"s and "you fucking nigger faggot" (I'm not black) Cletus huffed back into his bedroom, leaving the rest of us to clean up the Dr. Pepper and broken glass. I'd never had anyone in my face like that before, and it just blew my little 19 year-old mind. What an awesome night.

Chapter 3 - Fire Trucks and Ambulances and Cops, oh fuck

Admin talked to me about the incident but I told him I didn't want to start any shit. Cletus and I avoided eachother for a few days before settling back into an uneasy coexistance. Lexus was out doing something else, I don't know what.

Then the big incident occurred.

Once again, it was some random summer night, around 2AM. I was in my room playing Unreal Tournament with my headphones on. Everything else in the apartment was quiet. Admin was asleep, and Cletus and Lexus were out on the town.

BAM. Front door slams open. Over the sounds of the game I hear some swearing and yelling, then Cletus' bedroom door slams. I go back to my game.

About an hour later, the front door slams open again. I hear more swearing and yelling, then Cletus' bedroom door opens. Then I hear the sounds of fists hitting flesh coming from directly outside my door

I immediately close the game and get up to lock my door. I listened closely to the bodies rolling on the ground, the shoes hitting the wall, and the "you motherfucker"s being exchanged. Someone landed a few more hits, and then two doors slammed. The apartment was quiet again.

After a few minutes I opened the door.



Fucking EVERYWHERE.

Floor, wall, ceiling, light fixture, everywhere, the full length of the hallway.

Fuck. Me. This was bad.

I woke up Admin and showed him the mess. He woke up Mouse, who began blathering on about something to do with Cletus coming home first, some car keys, the Lexus, and a Long John Silvers. He was a little incoherent.

Admin and I decided that this was a problem that we just couldn't handle alone, so after trying (and failing) to figure out which of the two dildos were bleeding all over everything, we called the campus courtesy police to come open up the bedrooms and see what was what. Cletus ran out of his bedroom, frantically trying to get us all to just go back to bed. He was no longer the good ol' boy badass. He had become the 8 year-old who was desperately trying to convince his peers to help him stay out of a trip to the principal's office. He was literally shaking. As soon as Admin picked up the phone, Cletus ran back into his bedroom and locked the door.

It was a nice night so we all decided to wait in the parking lot outside. I thought some douche in a mule tractor would show up and sort out the mess, but because someone beat the fuck out of someone else, the campus dispatch called 911 dispatch, which turned the whole ordeal into one giant fucking circus. Within a minute of walking outside, two cop cars came screaming into the parking lot, closely followed by an ambulance blaring full-on lights and sirens. The fire truck showed up about two minutes later. All we needed were some of those faggot midget clowns on mini-bikes and we would've had a 4th of July parade. The cops invaded the apartment, knocking and shouting at the two locked doors. Lexus stumbled out and was escorted to the ambulance.

Cletus had done some pretty good work on Lexus. His contribution to the bloody mess came from his broken nose, which had bled all over everything in his room, including (of course) his bed. The paramedics patched him up and stopped the bleeding.

Cletus' room, however, remained dark. We knew he was in there, and there was no way he could've gotten out through the window without us seeing him. There weren't any noises coming from within. Campus security handed the master key to the cops, and they slowly opened the door.

At this point I wouldn't have been suprised to hear Cletus' rebel yell come from within the apartment, a shotgun blast, and then the angry reports of several 9mm pistols tearing through Cletus as he goes down in some fucked-up small-town style hail of bullets, glory, and death. Unfortunately for this story, nothing that awesome actually happened.

Cletus was roused from "sleep" and sat on the couch as he gave his half of the story to the officer. He was on the verge of tears as the paramedics fixed him up. After a few minutes of standing around and watching this unfold, an officer walked up and let us know that Cletus and Lexus had come to a mutual agreement - neither would press charges against the other, lest they both go to jail. A few more minutes of absolutely nothing awesome went by, and then the emergency vehicles were gone as soon as they had arrived.

I spent the next few hours cleaning blood off the floor, the wall, and the ceiling. I fell into my bed at about 7AM.

So what actually happened?

If you really care, here's the timeline from that night, gathered and recreated to the best of my ability.

10:00PM or so - Cletus and Lexus leave to go on their nightly bar-hopping tour. Admin and Mouse fall asleep.

1:30AM or so - Cletus and Lexus start an argument at a restaurant. Lexus touches Cletus' chicken strips, so Cletus slams his fist onto Lexus' hamburger, so Lexus throws his coke onto Cletus, so Cletus punches Lexus in the face, takes his car keys, and drunkenly drives Lexus' car back to the apartment.

2:00AM - Cletus arrives home without getting arrested, amazingly. He stomps into the apartment, throws the car keys at Mouse, and then flops down in his bedroom.

2:02AM - Mouse leaves the apartment to go find Lexus in a car that's pretty much stolen. Nobody asked him to do this, he just did it.

3:00AM or so - Lexus returns home. To this day I still don't know how he got home without his car. Cletus and Lexus beat the shit out of each other.

3:01AM - I open my bedroom door and behold a scene I wish I could've taken a picture of.

3:20AM - Admin is awake, Mouse gets home without Lexus. We try calling Lexus' phone but he doesn't answer.

3:30AM - Call goes to campus dispatch. Cletus runs out of his bedroom, freaks out, and then runs back in.

3:33AM - The fucking national guard shows up to get in on the action.

3:50AM - Campus police arrive, Cletus' bedroom door is opened. No guns are fired.

4:15AM - Cop cars, ambulance, and fire truck screech off to the next awesome crime fighting adventure.

4:20AM - I begin scrubbing blood off the wall. Admin and Mouse go back to sleep. Cletus sits in his room babling in his sleep, "I was sure I was going back to jail man, only one more time and I'd be fucked for a few years"

7:00AM - Sleep.

That's the story.

I don't know what happened to any of those guys; I last saw them all in fall of 2004. Cletus probably went back to jail for stealing some potato chips or something equally retarded, Lexus probably drank himself up to 0.10 and then wrapped his $60,000 car around something, then his daddy probably bailed him out of trouble and bought him a new one, and Admin probably went on to become a decent fucking person.

Admin, if you're reading this, you're a cool dude.

Cletus and Lexus, fuck both of you.
You are the reason I post here, and that annoys me.
Snook
INTL Premium Member
...

enlightening 6 year olds on the horrors of war

Ballkicks: (+247 / -65)
Posts: 3045 (0.483)
Reg. Date: Jun 2003
Location: Chi-town
Gender: Male
Reply 19 of 34 (Originally posted on: 03-16-09 01:26:19 AM)
Edit Post | Edit History | Send PM | Change Title | Reply w/Quote | Report Post | Ignore | Show All Posts

Was this the same guy you recorded at one point? This sounds familiar.
Hello my name is Kristoffer Jørgensen and I am from Norweigen I come to see hot USA girls and history landmarks!!
C
Administrator

Level 90 Ginger

Ballkicks: (+723 / -204)
Posts: 6647 (0.997)
Reg. Date: Jun 2002
Location: Missouri
Gender: Male
Reply 20 of 34 (Originally posted on: 03-16-09 06:07:28 AM)
Edit Post | Edit History | Send PM | Change Title | Reply w/Quote | Report Post | Ignore | Show All Posts

Good stories so far, TPC.

Happy late Birthday by the way.
I don't have a drinking problem.
I drink, I get drunk, I fall down.
No problem.
INTL Janitorial Services
Administrator

honestly i probably have Crohn's disease and should see a doctor

Ballkicks: (+360 / -80)
Posts: 1784 (0.26)
Reg. Date: Dec 2001
Location: My Pants
Gender: Female
Reply 21 of 34 (Originally posted on: 03-16-09 11:41:54 AM)
Edit Post | Edit History | Send PM | Change Title | Reply w/Quote | Report Post | Ignore | Show All Posts

Quoted from Snook:
Was this the same guy you recorded at one point? This sounds familiar.


Nope, that was Bob, my first roommate ever. I don't have those recordings anymore, but I'm sure Richard has them burned to CD somewhere.

What follows is a collection of "Bobisms" that I made record of as they occurred. The writing style is different because this was written 6 years ago, I'm just copy/pasting.

I still haven't gotten on to living in my parent's house, or my on-campus apartment at my alma mater, or the crazy Catholic couple I just got done living with.

this is an emo emoticon, get it??? EMO-TICON!!! = Me
vvvvvvvvvvvvvvv = Bob

7/27/03

Today I was cleaning the room, washing the sheets, mopping, etc. The roomate, who will hence forth be referred to as "Bob" offered to shake out the "rug". The rug is actually a dark green army blanket I found in my truck, that attracts every piece of shit in the room. I was under the impression that he would take it outside of the building to dump the dirt out, but no, instead he

-Grabs the blanket on one end, dumping most of the larger particles on the floor I had just mopped.
-Holds the blanket outside of the dorm room door. Most of it lays on the microbal eden of the mat in front of the bathroom door.
-In an effort to keep the dust from flying back in his face, he accidently slams the door on his shoulder. Much complaining (irony++) follows.

======

Later on, I was preparing to go to dinner when I walk back into the room just in time to hear him say "Oh FUCK". I inquired, and it turns out he was playing catch with a large metal shot glass that landed on the screen of his laptop, and knocked about a dozen pixels out.

this is an emo emoticon, get it??? EMO-TICON!!! - "You should return it. It's only a month or so old."
vvvvvvvvvvvvvvv - "no thatz okay lol itz good u cant even see it"

Editor's note: This is an example of being a complete fuckdouche. If you break something, don't return it, you fucking broke it, deal with it.

======

Then after returning from the food hall, he whips himself into a swearing storm once again. I ask him about his dilemma, and he tells me he forgot to write down his semester project assignment that he was supposed to be working on all weekend.

vvvvvvvvvvvvvvv - "OMFG I AM SO SCREWED I CALLED TEH TEACHER AND SHE WASN'T THERE OMFG WHAT AM I GONNA DO"

Instead of searching online for an email, or attempting to contact another person from the class, he sits down and begins playing Goldeneye.

======

About 4 days ago I got my copy of Perfect Dark and the N64 expansion pack in the mail from my parents, since Bob here has an N64 with a controller that isn't worn out. I show him how the game works, and how it's basically Goldeneye to the nth power.

this is an emo emoticon, get it??? EMO-TICON!!! - "Okay, now watch this."
*Something explodes*
vvvvvvvvvvvvvvv - "WHOA COOL THAT WAS AWESOME"
this is an emo emoticon, get it??? EMO-TICON!!! - "Now check this out."
*Demonstration of laptop gun takes place*
vvvvvvvvvvvvvvv - "AWESOME OMFG THATZ COOL"
this is an emo emoticon, get it??? EMO-TICON!!! - "Look, bot matches."
vvvvvvvvvvvvvvv - "WOW ITS JUST LIKE RED FACTION FOR THE PSX"
"Uh, right."

So after Bob cums his pants several times, I switch off the N64 and get back to work. He immediately removes PD and pops in Goldeneye.

======

vvvvvvvvvvvvvvv - "dude i found my printer i forgot i had 1"
this is an emo emoticon, get it??? EMO-TICON!!! - "That's nice."
vvvvvvvvvvvvvvv - "OHNOS!!!"
this is an emo emoticon, get it??? EMO-TICON!!! - "What?"
*Roomate holds up parallel cable*
vvvvvvvvvvvvvvv - "NO USB CABLE WUT DO I DO"

======

Yesterday cops were roaming the building for one reason or the other. As a smart person, I kept myself out of the way, in my room. Bob was naturally glued to the peep-hole in the door all day.

vvvvvvvvvvvvvvv - "omfg what do u think there hear 4"
this is an emo emoticon, get it??? EMO-TICON!!! - "Dunno. Probably drugs."
vvvvvvvvvvvvvvv - "i bet some1 got shot"
this is an emo emoticon, get it??? EMO-TICON!!! - "Shot?"
vvvvvvvvvvvvvvv - "or stabbed i bet it wuz a stabbing lol"
this is an emo emoticon, get it??? EMO-TICON!!! - "..."

======

About 2 days ago my video card died. I was calling around looking for a replacement. Now, Bob worked at a Best Buy when he lived in Dallas, so of course that's the first place he recommended I go.

vvvvvvvvvvvvvvv - "u should get it at best buy"
this is an emo emoticon, get it??? EMO-TICON!!! - "They wanted $250 for a low-end GeForce4. I think I'll call around."
vvvvvvvvvvvvvvv - "dey match pricez lololollololololz"
this is an emo emoticon, get it??? EMO-TICON!!! - "I can get an Asus 128MB GeForce4 Ti4200, with 8 layer gold PCB and some kickass core/mem speeds for $140 online."
vvvvvvvvvvvvvvv - "but uuuuhhhhhh but but uuuuuuhhhhhh but"

But, uh. Butter?

======

Over the past few days, Bob has spent a considerable amount of time on his N64, attempting to finish all Goldeneye maps with 00 Agent difficulty. Basically the entire process works like this.

-Start
-Bob loads random map.
-Bob plays random map.
-Bob lasts about ten seconds.
-Death music plays.
-Bob screams either "FUCK", "SHIT" or "MOTHER FUCKER".
-Go to start.

A variant of this is

-Start
-Bob loads the Caverns.
-Bob plays the Caverns for about an hour, taking extra care not to be shot.
-Bob then attempts to charge the 2 sentry guns and half dozen troops at the end of the map.
-Death music plays.
-Bob screams either "FUCK", "SHIT" or "MOTHER FUCKER".
-Go to start.

this is an emo emoticon, get it??? EMO-TICON!!! - "Bob, you know, the RCP90 and the AR33 can shoot through stuff. You should try taking out the sentry guns and troops before opening the door."
vvvvvvvvvvvvvvv - "no itz ok ill get it itz not hard"

Sigh.

======

Bob has taken great notice of the imaginary roaches on our floor.

vvvvvvvvvvvvvvv - "WTF MOTHER FUCKING ROACHES"
this is an emo emoticon, get it??? EMO-TICON!!! - "I don't see any."
vvvvvvvvvvvvvvv - "IT WUZ RIGHT FUCKIN THERE I SAW IT ITZ GONNA NEST IN OUR BEDZ OMFG"
this is an emo emoticon, get it??? EMO-TICON!!! - "So get some Raid the next time you're out."
vvvvvvvvvvvvvvv - "thatz okay itz not that bad yet"
this is an emo emoticon, get it??? EMO-TICON!!! - "..."

======

Bob's favorite phrase:

vvvvvvvvvvvvvvv - "WOW THAT REALLY GIVEZ ME TEH RED ASS" vvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv

======

Some of you already know that I absolutely HATE discussing computers with people in RL, because it always turns into either "WELL UR COMPUTAR MACHINE SUX I HAVE A DELL" or "OMGF MY COMPUTER MACHINE SUX KAN U FIX IT. OH 4 FREE. PLZ KTHX". But, because Bob and I see each other for about 20 hours every day, it was only a matter of time before it happened.

this is an emo emoticon, get it??? EMO-TICON!!! - "OH YEAH MY COMPUTAR LAPTOP IS TOP OF TEH LINE"
vvvvvvvvvvvvvvv - "I'm sure it is."
this is an emo emoticon, get it??? EMO-TICON!!! - "YEAH ITZ GOT 1.53GHZ OF SPEED AND 256MB OF RAM"
vvvvvvvvvvvvvvv - "Okay."
this is an emo emoticon, get it??? EMO-TICON!!! - "AND WINDOWZ XP HOME OMFG TEH BESTEST OS EVAR"

Freeze frame.

His laptop takes about 3.5 minutes to boot up. My Win2kPro machine takes about 1 minute. I use a 2 year old 1.4Ghz chip.

Play.

After inspecting his laptop, I recommended that he remove some of hundred or so icons he had on his desktop. One of which, was AOL.

this is an emo emoticon, get it??? EMO-TICON!!! - "You don't need that anymore."
vvvvvvvvvvvvvvv - "YES I DO AOL IZ TEH INTARWEB"
this is an emo emoticon, get it??? EMO-TICON!!! - "Wait, no, it isn't. You're here now. You don't need dial-up access."
vvvvvvvvvvvvvvv - "BUT DONT I NEED 2 DIAL UP AND CONNECT"
this is an emo emoticon, get it??? EMO-TICON!!! - "...no, we have a shared T3. Here, use this cabl-"
vvvvvvvvvvvvvvv - "OMG DUDE DONT FUCK UP MY COMPUTAR K"

======

Bob quoted, entering the room:
vvvvvvvvvvvvvvv - "YES SIR"
Bob quoted, leaving room:
vvvvvvvvvvvvvvv - "YES SIR"
Bob quoted, while I enter the room:
vvvvvvvvvvvvvvv - "YES SIR"
Bob quoted, while I leave the room:
vvvvvvvvvvvvvvv - "YES SIR"

======

Bob has never done laundry.
Bob has never seen the insides of a modern computer.
Bob has never had to mop, vacuum, or clean up his own shit.

Bob has, however, gotten his Jeep stuck in 8 inches of mud. Bob will never let me forget any of this.

======

vvvvvvvvvvvvvvv - "SO LIGHTZ WITH DARKZ, HOT WATER PERM PRESS?"
this is an emo emoticon, get it??? EMO-TICON!!! - "No, then the darks will bleed and ruin the lights."
vvvvvvvvvvvvvvv - "OH SO I USE THIS SPECIAL NON-FADING BLEACH THEN RIGHT?"

======

7/28/03

On Friday, Bob had to be up by 6:00 AM to get his Jeep to the dealership by 7:30. At 8:30am I shifted in my sleep, and my eyes were open long enough to focus on Bob's arm... and leg... still tangled and sleeping in his sheets.

9:45am

*CRASH-SMASH*
this is an emo emoticon, get it??? EMO-TICON!!! - "What the fuck?"
vvvvvvvvvvvvvvv - "OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD"
this is an emo emoticon, get it??? EMO-TICON!!! - "WHAT?"
vvvvvvvvvvvvvvv - "LOOKATTHETIMEIHAVETOGETOUTOFHEREOHMYGOD"
this is an emo emoticon, get it??? EMO-TICON!!! - "Why the fuck didn't you just get up earlier?"
vvvvvvvvvvvvvvv - "OH IM NOT USED TO GETTIN' UP THIS EARLY"

======

Bob, on the difficulty of his MS Office assignments.

vvvvvvvvvvvvvvv - "WHY DOEZ IT HAVE 2 BE SO FUCKIN' HARD"
this is an emo emoticon, get it??? EMO-TICON!!! - "Try... equals, Sum... open.. okay, now type in... wait, no, don't-"
vvvvvvvvvvvvvvv - "WHATZ WRONG WITH DAT"

His equation needed to be dynamic, so he could fill all the cells below it with the same type of formula. Instead, Bob wrote

=SUM(5+6)

======

vvvvvvvvvvvvvvv - "YEAH SO WHEN I WUZ IN HIGH SKOOL I NEVER HAD ANY HOMEWORK"

I calmly look up from the Calculus II project I'd been working for about 6 hours straight.

this is an emo emoticon, get it??? EMO-TICON!!! - "That's nice."

vvvvvvvvvvvvvvv - "IT WUZ SO EASY I NEVAR DID NETHING, IT WUZ JUST '2+2' IN MY CALCULUS CLASS, EASY EASY"

this is an emo emoticon, get it??? EMO-TICON!!! - "Uh huh."

vvvvvvvvvvvvvvv - "SAY IF U NEED NE HELP WIT DAT SUTFF I MIGHT BE ABLE TO HELP K!?!? I TOOK CALCULUS IN HS AND TEH TEST SAID I PASSED!!!"

this is an emo emoticon, get it??? EMO-TICON!!! - "No, that's, that's, uh, okay."

======

*Bob enters, door slams and knocks paper from wall*

vvvvvvvvvvvvvvv - "FUCKING MOTHER FUCK I CANT BELIEVE IT"
this is an emo emoticon, get it??? EMO-TICON!!! - "What?"
vvvvvvvvvvvvvvv - "I GOT A TICKET WHAT BULLSHIT"
this is an emo emoticon, get it??? EMO-TICON!!! - "For what?"
vvvvvvvvvvvvvvv - "30 IN A 20 FUCK"
this is an emo emoticon, get it??? EMO-TICON!!! - "Pay more attention next time."
vvvvvvvvvvvvvvv - "NO ITZ OKAY IVE GOTTEN LIKE 20 OR 30 TICKETZ MY FAMILY HAS A BADASS LAWYER"

You know, I sure wish I had the opportunity to get away with so much fucking bullshit when I had to haul my own ass back and forth to community college every day. Hundred mile round trip, everyday, in a 13 year-old farm truck that had never been pushed above 50mph since the year it was driven off the lot. 20 motherfucking tickets? Good God shouldn't his license be revoked by now?

vvvvvvvvvvvvvvv - "SO WHAT DO U WHEN U GET A TICKET"
this is an emo emoticon, get it??? EMO-TICON!!! - "Nothing. I've never gotten one."
vvvvvvvvvvvvvvv - "WHAT THE FUCK OH MY GOD, YOUVE NEVAR GOTTEN A TICKET?!!?1/1/1!?1"
this is an emo emoticon, get it??? EMO-TICON!!! - "That's right."
vvvvvvvvvvvvvvv - "HOW THE HELL DO U DO THAT THATZ LIKE IMPOSSIBLE"
this is an emo emoticon, get it??? EMO-TICON!!! - "Following traffic laws is impossible?"

Editor's note: For the record, I still haven't gotten any tickets. Bob is probably being tried for the death penalty.

======

Recently I moved my TV so as to get a better view. The cable accidentally caught on one of the "pegs" underneath it and pulled it clean out of the splitter, causing a signal loss to both TVs.

Bob responded, "ALRIGHT WHAT THE HELL JUST HAPPENED OMFG WHAT THE HELL"

The bold represents Bob yelling at the top of his lungs.
You are the reason I post here, and that annoys me.
This reply was last edited on 03-16-09 11:47:42 AM by INTL Janitorial Services.
poop
$$~~~Crips~~~$$
slooooooooooooots

i'd expect more sorcery in a place called mana pools

Ballkicks: (+731 / -71)
Posts: 7914 (1.178)
Reg. Date: May 2002
Location: Canada
Gender: Male
Reply 22 of 34 (Originally posted on: 03-16-09 11:56:27 AM)
Edit Post | Edit History | Send PM | Change Title | Reply w/Quote | Report Post | Ignore | Show All Posts

this thread gives me the red ass
mmac
INTL Premium Member
it's INTL, not the fucking UN - Amphy

3ms will rise again

Ballkicks: (+254 / -35)
Posts: 2339 (0.411)
Reg. Date: Feb 2005
Location: Minneapolis
Gender: Male
Reply 23 of 34 (Originally posted on: 03-16-09 12:07:37 PM)
Edit Post | Edit History | Send PM | Change Title | Reply w/Quote | Report Post | Ignore | Show All Posts

TPC, sorry I was such a shitty roomate. Thanks for not telling them about the really embarassing time.
mmac
INTL Premium Member
it's INTL, not the fucking UN - Amphy

3ms will rise again

Ballkicks: (+254 / -35)
Posts: 2339 (0.411)
Reg. Date: Feb 2005
Location: Minneapolis
Gender: Male
Reply 24 of 34 (Originally posted on: 03-16-09 12:10:01 PM)
Edit Post | Edit History | Send PM | Change Title | Reply w/Quote | Report Post | Ignore | Show All Posts

Quoted from just dandy:
BLAH BLAH BLAH, AND THEN SHE STEALS MY CAR


Step 1. Call 911
Step 2. Tell them who stole it, and how they didn't have permission
Step 3. Find new roomate who isn't on felony probation
Quick Reply
Page: [ 1 2 ] Reply to Thread | Create New Thread | Create New Poll | Convert To Poll | Subscribe To Thread
[ Thread Views: 3169 | Total Posts: 34 ]